114 I Need A Mommy

JP: One of the greatest things about having the funniest guy in the fandom as my writing partner all these years is the way he thinks of songs I never would’ve dreamed of on his own accord to use for parodies, and the way that we challenge each other over the years he’s had me do a couple of bad guy songs were he has tried to take the more fluffy route with the songs and stories he’s done, and in this case, he presented me with Trucy singing to her daddy about how she needs a new mommy.  I decided a great way to go about this would be having the story pick up right after the events of Phoenix’s proposal to Maya in the parody/story “Gonna Be My Bride” from the 100the song dual celebration chapter (for those who might need a refresher).  I hope you enjoy this collab story follow-up!

CT: I swear, between Pearl and her superhuman capabilities and Trucy’s sheer determination and willpower, I’m surprised that Phoenix managed to say single for seven whole years after adopting the latter- especially on Valentine’s Day when love is the only thing being talked about. As such, I wouldn’t be surprised if Trucy and Pearl had some insanely huge book filled with amazing songs about why Phoenix should get together with someone- specifically everyone’s favorite burger-loving spirit medium- like the one that JP wrote up for this parody.

“I Need A Mommy”
Sung to the tune of
“(I Need A Hero) Holding Out For A Hero”
from Footloose/Shrek 2

Flying Chapel – September 30, 2026

Since Trucy had had to dash off to the bathroom before arriving at the banquet hall, The Flying Chapel, where newlyweds Sorin and Ellen Sprocket had just celebrated their wedding festivities– she, therefore, had missed the entire spontaneous engagement between her Daddy and his former assistant, a.k.a. the teen’s long-time not so secret contender for New Mommy.

Therefore, the completely out-of-the-loop Gramarye illusionist had no idea why her best friend was still standing outside the reception hall doors with a dreamy, starry-eyed expression.  In fact, the magician was flat-out mystified by the halcyon aura emanating from the acolyte.  She knew her best friend was a zealous fanatic about cleaning as much as her father was about scrubbing toilets, but that didn’t mean he literally whistled while he worked!  Trucy simply couldn’t wrap her head around how the concept of helping her father and Maya with post-reception cleanup duty could cause so much joy in her BFF, who looked as though it was now raining colored gumdrops from a sky strewn with rainbows and filled with flying unicorns!

“What’s up, Pearly?” She asked, a puzzled frown marring her smooth forehead as she watched her pseudo sister hug herself with glee. “What are you so smiley about? Do you honestly love cleaning that much?”

The radiant beam directed at the magician that spread across the teenage spirit medium’s face would have put the sun to shame.

“Come on, we’re out of here, Truce!” Pearl announced gleefully, grabbing her soon-to-be actual sister by the arm and dragging her towards the exit. “Let those two manage this mess by themselves – they never get to spend time alone together anymore! You and I have more important things to do!”

“I don’t get it!” The bewildered illusionist was huffing while struggling to keep up with the quickened pace of the dreamy pretzel-haired girl, whose feet appeared to be floating off the ground instead of walking. “Where are we going?”

“Dress shopping of course! How do you feel about matching bridesmaids’ gowns?”

Trucy abruptly halted in her tracks and gaped at the other girl.

“What in the name of Harry Houdini are you talking about, Pearly?”

“For Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya’s wedding, of course!” Pearl clasped her cheeks, which were pink with pleasure. “I’m thinking purple or blue. Or maybe purple with blue accents? Or vice versa…”

“Why do you insist on torturing both of us like this with your fantasizing about the impossible dream?”  The normally bubbly performer crossed her arms over her chest and scowled darkly. “I’m practically an adult now and Daddy has yet to get me the New Mommy that I begged him for ages ago!  I’ve dropped enough hints that my first choice would be your cousin!  This was despite me spending months since we all got back from West Asia, begging him to finally open his eyes and realize how beautiful Maya has gotten over the years, and how he better smarten up and snatch her up before someone else does!”

“Really?”  The youngest Fey snapped out of her dreamy stupor and blinked with surprise. “I’ve been shipping those two together since I was 8 years old, but I had no idea that you were on board, as well! Since when?”

Do you mean I could have had her as my Ace Matchmaker accomplice with my scheming to get those crazy kids together all this time?!

“I don’t know.”  Trucy shrugged helplessly. “Maybe it was when Athena told me about she could hear the emotions of Daddy’s heart back in the springtime under the cherry blossom tree when she and Apollo were talking about Maya’s training in Khura’in almost being over.  Maybe it was the fact that he’s never changed his ring tone from the Steel Samurai one for the last 10 years because it reminds him of her.  Maybe it’s because I know that in his locket necklace with my picture in it, hidden behind it is a photo of the two of you with him at Gatewater Land before you both returned to Kurain.  Or maybe it’s because he dropped everything without a second thought and rushed off to West Asia because he thought her life was in danger – without even letting any of us know where he was going until he finally got there!”

“Those are all really good reasons to be on board the S.S Phaya Ship!”  The spirit medium agreed cheerfully, linking arms with her future sister. “I think the definitive moment for me had to be when I found out that Mr. Nick, who was truly scared of heights, ran across a burning bridge to save Mystic Maya.  If that’s not love, I don’t know what is!”

“Well, it doesn’t matter what we think if he’s not willing to admit to anything, right?”  Trucy grumbled crossly. “I know Daddy’s still young and handsome enough, but he’s not going to look that way forever!  He can’t be alone his entire life!  Everybody needs someone special to grow old with, and I can’t think of anyone better than your cousin.  I’ve seen the way she is around him, too, and how she looks at him when she thinks nobody is watching.  I’d bet my magic panties that she has feelings for him!”

She clenched her fists.

“But it’s like talking to a brick wall!  Daddy is as stubbornly unmoving as those spikes of his! This morning, when he told me they were going to this wedding together – but only as friends – that I just couldn’t take it anymore!  You would think he’d take heed to my words and know I mean serious business after the Mommy Auditions we held a few years ago when you and I decided to pick a different path other than pleading and nagging to try to talk some sense into him…”

“Darn straight I remember!” Pearl interjected, rolling up her sleeve and balling up her fist as she scowled at the memory. ” At first, I was horrified at the idea of some random hussy intervening and ruining the beautiful love that Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya have for each other.”

A sadistic smile crossed her innocent features.

“Not that any of them would have made it past the first screening round anyway…”

“Oh, for sure you would have ensured that!” Trucy snickered. “No doubt that even if any of them had magically slipped through the cracks of the radar and somehow passed the initial screening, you’d have used those Fey Fists of Fury to give them a one-way slap to the Twilight Realm!”

“You better believe it!” Pearl giggled at the memory. “In hindsight, it’s pretty funny looking back at your futile, first annual Do You Wanna be a Mommy? auditions! Do you remember all those nervous women lined up outside of the agency…?”

        Wright Talent Agency – February 14, 2023

It was Valentine’s Day, a holiday that Phoenix dreaded each and every year without fail- not because of the countless sappy romantic ‘comedies’ that were being aired nonstop, or Maya draining his wallet even drier than normal (if that was even possible) by making him buy her enough chocolate to put Willy Wonka to shame in addition to her usual burger fix, or even Gumshoe going door-to-door selling pictures of a mortified Edgeworth getting out of the shower that left nothing up to the imagination with the caption ‘Free Willy!’ written on the bottom of the shots, complete with a crudely drawn winky face.

No. The reason why Valentine’s Day was Phoenix’s second least favorite day of the year- only being topped by April 19th, the day he lost his badge- was because it was when Trucy would ramp up her efforts to find him a wife and herself a new mommy to 11.

Phoenix loved Trucy with all of his heart and wouldn’t change a thing about her. Because of his daughter’s unwavering optimism, endless energy, and boundless creativity, she helped to bring light into the otherwise-bleak darkness that his world was engulfed in after he lost his badge. However, while Trucy’s determination served her very well as a magician (and helped to keep a roof over their heads more times than Phoenix would like to admit), he wished she wouldn’t use it to interfere in his love life by trying to set him up with any woman that met her rigorous qualifications, which consisted of the woman in question being young to middle-aged and having a pulse. And while Trucy was typically content with essentially pimping out her daddy to any women they just so happened to pass by on the street, on this holiest day of love, she felt that it wasn’t enough- opting to spring for one of those shady ‘hot singles in your area’ internet ads consisting of a shirtless picture of Phoenix that she took during their last trip to the beach and having any interested women come to the office for an audition in the hopes of winning a date with the legal eagle of their dreams.

Thus, how Phoenix found himself spending his day sitting on one of the couches in the Wright Talent Agency, sandwiched between Trucy and Pearl, as they judged woman after woman after woman for hours on end – think American Idol, but without the glitz and prospects of fame and fortune and where the only songs being sung were Phoenix’s internal chants for the earth to open up beneath him and swallow him whole as countless women swooned and begged for the chance to date him, only to be brutally turned away (and sometimes even literally picked up and tossed out of the room) by Pearl.

“I swear, Trucy…!” Pearl let out an exasperated sigh, dusting her hands off as she returned to her spot on the couch. “Just when I thought that these random women that you invite off the streets for these auditions couldn’t get any worse, this last one managed to take the cake!”

“And what was wrong with Ms. Teneiro, Pearly?” Trucy asked as she flashed her friend a confused look. “She seemed pretty nice to me.”

“One, she’s a flight attendant; meaning that she would leave you and Mr. Nick alone for extended periods regularly. And two, she’s not Mystic Maya!” Pearl roared, a scowl forming on her face as she rolled up her sleeve and clenched her fist. “Why do you even bother with these dating auditions when Mr. Nick already has Mystic Maya?! She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s funny, and she and Mr. Nick have a history together! What more could you want?”

“Do you think I don’t want Daddy to get together with Maya, Pearly?” Trucy angrily retorted with her hands on her hips. “I would LOVE it if he’d go over to Maya, ask her out on a date, and let her make an honest man out of him. But unfortunately for us, that isn’t how things are. For the four years that I’ve known him, Daddy has made no effort to form an intimate relationship with Maya or anyone for that matter, and he’s running out of time!”

The young magician turned to face her adoptive father, who was maintaining the same position that he was in for the last ten hours: his gaze directed at his feet and his hands placed firmly on the sides of his head.

“I’m sorry, Daddy, but we have to face the facts…” Trucy sweetly stated as she patted Phoenix’s back. “You’re no spring chicken. You turned 30 last month and with each passing day, your boyish good looks fade away more and more. I know you don’t like me doing this, Daddy, but if I don’t, you’ll end up ugly and alone- just like this weird, sad little boy with a huge forehead and horns that I saw at Tempest Café reading a Dr. Who book by himself in the corner. Is that what you want, Daddy? To spend the rest of your days sitting alone in a coffee shop reading nerd books because you turned down every girl who’s interested in you, including the barista at that very café who thinks that you’re, and I quote, ‘a Grade-A DILF with a tushy as tight as a drum and as sweet and dandy as candy?!'”

Upon hearing this, Phoenix’s only response was a moan of anguish and humiliation.

“You’re right, Trucy!” Pearl spoke up. “Not only that, but at this rate, even if Mr. Nick finally comes to his senses and marries Mystic Maya, it’ll be at a point in time where her womb’s too dry and barren to produce any beautiful babies!”

Once again, Phoenix could only respond with another tortured moan, only noticeably louder.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Mr. Nick, that you and Mystic Maya were made for each other- like peanut butter and jelly, salt and pepper, and Mr. Edgeworth and that pink suit of his?” Pearl irritably demanded.

“She’s right, Daddy! it’s bad enough that you turn down every potential mommy I try to set you up with, but to actively let God-tier ones like Maya slip through your fingers…!” Trucy huffed, her hands firmly placed on her hips as she glared daggers at her adoptive father. “I swear…!”

[Trucy]

Where have all the good moms gone?
Why won’t you drop your guard?

And seek the woman of your dreams to prevail against all odds?

Isn’t there a white light to shine upon my dreams?

Every night I hope and I pray that you’ll give me what I need!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives

She’s gotta be gentle and love endlessly
And willing to kiss me goodnight!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

With a heart that’s pure and is worthy and true
That you can take for a wife!
(Can take for a wife)

Wish that I could conjure her right out of my magic blue panties

With fair face you can gaze upon

That makes your heart skip a beat

She will have to be special I know this ain’t no small feat

Daddy trust that she’ll find us – all you need to do is believe!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives

She’s gotta be gentle and be loving
And willing to kiss me goodnight!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

With a heart that’s pure and is worthy and true

That you can take for a wife!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

Somewhere on earth will be the woman you’ll love!
And right from the start you’ll see!

That she’s THE ONE, your soulmate that’s meant for thee!

She’ll erase all your past hurt and pain

And she’ll think you’re a stud
She’ll warm up your heart, put fire in your blood
(Put fire in your blood, put fire in your blood)
(Put fire in your blood, put fire in your blood)

I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives

She’s gotta be gentle and be loving
And willing to kiss me goodnight!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

With a heart that’s pure and is worthy and true
That you can take for a wife!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives

She’s gotta be gentle and be loving
And willing to kiss me goodnight!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

With a heart that’s pure and is worthy and true
That you can take for a wife!

I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives…

Phoenix groaned and clapped a hand over his eyes as the little magician ended her nagging serenade with a flourish of a spinning cape and tipped hat in his direction.

“I think you’ve made your point, Truce,” he said wearily, dragging a hand down his face and applauding half-heartedly when Pearl shot daggers at him for his lackluster reaction to the tune.

“Stop glaring at me like that!” The hobo cried in an exasperated tone as he firmly placed his hands on the sides of his head and pointed his gaze at the ground. “What exactly do you want me to do, Pearls?”

“You should know what I want by now, Mr. Nick!” Pearl snapped peevishly. “I want you to tell Maya that she can only spend time with us and chain her to a radiator when she tries to go against your wishes! If she were here by your side at all times like she’s supposed to be, there’d be no need for Trucy to come up with alternative schemes like these pointless Mommy auditions!”

Without warning, the incensed pretzel-haired teen suddenly reached over and slapped Phoenix in the arm, prompting the ex-lawyer to squeeze the injured limb and barely resist the urge to scream out in pain.

“Furthermore, I want you to man up and fight for your woman, Mr. Nick – like those guys in the movies!” The young spirit medium proclaimed as she leaped up from her seat, grabbed Phoenix by the arm, and proceeded to drag him towards the door with little effort. “Mr. Nick and I are heading out to work on the next phase of Operation Win Over Mystic Maya right now, Trucy. While we’re out, continue the auditions and have any promising candidates come back tomorrow morning so that I can reject them in person.”

“Will do, Pearly!” Trucy replied with a tip of her hat. “Good luck winning Maya’s heart, Daddy!”

“Mr. Nick doesn’t need luck, Trucy- not when he’s destined to marry Mystic Maya and love her forever and ever!” Pearl squealed.

“Wait, don’t I get any say in this?” Phoenix asked as a bead of sweat rolled down his brow.

“Maybe you should have thought about that before wasting all this time being too cowardly to profess your love for my cousin, even though your lost your badge and aren’t her boss anymore, so I don’t see what’s been holding you back anymore! Do you know she’s now talking about going to West Asia next year for training – and hence being away from me, not to mention you, her true love, for two whole years?! Since you haven’t given her any reason to stay and not leave us, you’ve really gone and thrown a monkey wrench into my plans for you two.” The doe-eyed girl sternly replied, giving the card shark’s arm a sharp tug and nearly ripping it out of its socket in the process. “I’m going to make you learn dance lessons and be so suave and graceful, you can sweep my cousin off her feet! And for your practice dance partner –we’ll just get the ugliest girl in line outside to help out.”

“Hold it! Pearl, I can’t dance to save my life!” Phoenix pleaded as the adolescent spirit medium dragged him out of the office before slamming the door behind her with a loud thud. “Objection!”