36 How We Stick Around

“How We Stick Around”
Sung to the tune of  “Secret of Survival (in a Very Nasty World)”
from Disney’s The Wind in the Willows

[“You wanted to see me, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth?”Gaspen nervously asks as a police officer escorts him into the courthouse lobby after his failed attempt to flee the building.]

[“Yes.”Edgeworth curtly responds with crossed arms. “I want to talk to you about-“]

[“Hello, Gaspen. Sorry I’m late.”Winston states, inadvertently cutting off his superior as he walks into the building. “Traffic was a nightmare, and Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth has been bogging me down with work and being a real pain in my – Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, fancy seeing you here! Is that a new cravat you’re wearing?” The older Payne brother asks with his hands folded together and an anxious smile on his face when he notices the maroon-cladded prosecutor’s presence and tries to make up for the comment he was about to utter.]

[“What are you doing here, Winston?” Edgeworth sighs in exasperation at the fact that he now has to deal with double the Payne.]

[“I knew that my brother had a trial today. So I figured that after he was done, we could go out for lunch. Care to join us, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth?”Winston confidently asks as he taps his forehead.]

[“As much as I would love to give you a snide remark about how I’d rather do anything else, Winston, I currently have more pressing matters to attend to in the form of your brother’s performance- namely, his use of forged evidence in court and how he ruthlessly badgers witnesses.”]

[“Objection!”Gaspen hisses. “Sometimes it’s necessary to get a guilty verdict by any means possible. Look at what Wright did with Gavin last year.”]

[“I agree with my brother, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth.”Winston chimes in. “I was there when Mr. Wright manipulated his attorney to use forged evidence to save himself and convict Mr. Gavin. So if you want to punish my brother, you should also punish Mr. Wright.”]

[“I could spend hours discussing how Wright’s use of forged evidence is entirely different, but I digress…”Edgeworth states as he adjusts his glasses. “Even when you utilize fake evidence and seriously stack trials in your favor, Gaspen, you still somehow manage to lose almost as often as your brother, who has never used questionable tactics even once during his career. In fact, after reviewing your work history for the last ten years, I discovered that you’ve actually lost more cases than him!” The maroon-cladded prosecutor exclaims. “How you two are still prosecutors after all of these years is beyond me.”]

[“Well…” Gaspen smirks.]

---

{Gaspen and Winston}

First you face us,

Then you don’t.

Want a rematch?

We think you won’t.

That’s how we stick around in the Prosecutor’s Office.

Facing rookies,

That’s our choice,

And when they lose,

We rejoice.

That’s how we stick around in the Prosecutor’s Office.

That’s how we stick around in the Prosecutor’s Office.

---

[“Seriously?”Edgeworth asks with a look of disdain on his face. “Are your jobs really so challenging that you have to stoop that low?”]

[“They are indeed that tough, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth…”Gaspen smirks as he taps his toupee.]

---

{Gaspen and Winston}

Tougher than anything you could know.

---

{Gaspen}

At the trial’s start,

To its very end,

---

{Winston}

Bluffing attorneys,

Around every bend,

–

{Gaspen and Winston}

Eager to object,

Ruining your case while putting on a show.

---

{Gaspen}

If we don’t do what we do,

Then how are we supposed to grow?

---

{Gaspen and Winston}

Every prosecutor in court’s got to watch out for themselves.

We don’t have loyal lackeys or assistants who’ll help us excel,

When we’re in the courtroom,

Where everyone makes our lives a living hell when they scream at us and yell!

First you face us,

Then you don’t.

Want a rematch?

We think you won’t.

That’s how we stick around in the Prosecutor’s Office.

Facing rookies,

That’s our choice,

And when they lose,

We rejoice.

That’s how we stick around,

That’s how we stick around,

That’s how we stick around in the Prosecutor’s Office!

---

–

[“I look forward to your next month’s salary assessment.”Edgeworth coldly states, not wasting any time or pulling any punches as he glowers at the younger Payne brother, prompting the toupee-wearing prosecutor to reel back in shock.]

[“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Please forgive meeeeeeeeeeeeee!”Gaspen shrieks as he sprints out of the courthouse while trying his hardest to keep his toupee from flying off his head.]

[“Gaspen, wait for me!”Winston screams as he chases after his brother.]

[Not long after the Payne brothers flee from the courthouse, the police officer who had escorted Gaspen to the Chief Prosecutor speaks up.]

[“Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, don’t forget that you have an interview with a reporter in Defendant Lobby Two.”]

[“Thank you, officer. Hopefully, they won’t be as much of a Payne to talk to.”Edgeworth sneers with outstretched arms.]