94 Burgers! A First Time CT & JP Duet
“Burgers!”
Sung to the tune of “Brains”
From The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
“I got here from Kurain as fast as I could, Mystic Maya!”
Pearl was still slightly breathless from her hurried jaunt from the train station as the tightlipped Maya ushered the child into the spirit medium’s bedroom, concern marring her doll-like features as she watched her cousin slam the door closed behind them in dramatic fashion, shooting a can’t miss a scowl over her shoulder, which was clearly directed towards the spiky-haired man she lived with in the upstairs flat situated above the Wright and & Co. Law offices.
“You seem angry,” the girl observed timidly. “I hope you’re not mad at me for not getting here sooner when you called and said you needed my help with an emergency! I would’ve run down from the village, which would have been faster than waiting for the earliest train coming down to LA, but you and Mr. Nick insisted that I never do that again after the last time…”
“Of course, I’m not mad at you, Pearly!” Maya’s cloudy expression immediately vanished and she clasped her hands in front of her chest, flashing her cousin her cheery trademarked grin. “In fact, considering you were in the middle of training, I’m thrilled you made it down as quickly as you did! It’s good to know that I can always count on you because that’s what family –never mind – that’s what true friends, are for! Dependability!”
Her voice rose a few octaves as her face contorted into a petulant moue.
“…. Unlike some people I know, who shall remain nameless!”
Clearly the emphasized words in the last sentence had been directed at the defense attorney who was at the law offices downstairs. It was uncertain whether Phoenix had heard her or not, although if he had, he was clearly ignoring his assistant because there was no response hollered back.
The young girl anxiously bit her thumb, wondering what the Ace Attorney had dared do to upset her beloved cousin.
“Um…Did you and Mr. Nick into a fight?”
“You bet we did!” Maya grimaced and huffily crossed her arms over her chest. “He’s nothing but a big jerk face!”
“Oh no! What happened?” Immediately the distressed moppet was already rolling up her sleeves in evident preparation of the patented Fey slaps of fury upon the unsuspecting counselor. “Special Someones aren’t supposed to fight! What did he do?”
“Nick cut off my burger allowance!” Self-pitying tears welled up in the psychic’s eyes. “He was going over the finance books and when he saw me going through his wallet for my daily lunchtime stipend, he shouted ‘Hold It!’ all courtroom style, and proclaimed that feeding me was the equivalent of feeding 10 people, and he just couldn’t do it anymore! Something about needing to pay his bills and increasing rent and utility expenses and boring stuff like that… I honestly stopped listening after the big meanie told me that effective immediately, he could only afford to feed me one lousy burger a day!”
The pint-size spirit medium, who lived on a Spartan vegetarian diet up in their remote family village and ate like a bird, could only blink in confusion at her kinswoman in riposte.
“Pearly don’t you get it?” Maya wailed plaintively. “One meager burger per diem?! Have you forgotten that I have four stomachs! That would even fill half of them! Plus, you know I also have an extra stomach for dessert… The point is Nick refuses to budge on this! I even offered a few suggestions about how he could save money so he wouldn’t need to be so needlessly cruel, but he refused to listen to any of my cost-saving suggestions!”
“How did you offer to save him money?”
Even though she asked the question, Pearl truly had no idea about how any of these adult-related things worked. However, what she did know was that Mystic Maya was upset and Mr. Nick had been the one to distress her! Therefore, she was going to give him a piece of her mind – and smack some sense into him, literally! This was no way to treat your Special Someone!
“I told him that we could save $0.50 apiece when I attempted to compromise and offered to just order plain hamburgers instead of cheeseburgers, and told him that a grilled chicken sandwich actually costs more than a burger! All he needs to do is learn how to cook and make them at home, so then he won’t need to worry about buying himself lunch, too! It was a perfect solution – which he immediately vetoed, nonetheless!”
Maya puffed out her cheeks in vexation.
“Nick wouldn’t listen to my reasoning that with the money he’d save from him not eating out, there would be more available funds to properly feed his deserving hard-working assistant! But noooooo! Scrooge claimed that most of his clients don’t pay him and that working pro bono so much is finally starting to cause a negative impact to his wallet! It’s so unfair! He also ignored my logic about how he could easily save a small fortune in toilet bowl cleaner if he could just get over his neurotic, OCD need to scrub that the porcelain throne about a dozen times a day!”
“Mystic Maya I’m really sorry to hear about all of this, but I’m just not understanding why you called me?”
“Behold this map of the city!” Maya whipped out the large folded chart from her dresser drawer, which already had red circles around all the McDonald’s, and surrounding hamburger places within a 10-mile radius of the office, as well as black X’s marked on their surrounding side streets and alleys which she coyly explained would be ‘exit routes.’
“Exit routes?” The perplexed Pearl echoed blankly. “I’m sorry, but I’m still so confused! What is it that you need me to do exactly?”
“Isn’t it obvious, Small Fry?” The mischievous necromancer flashed a devilish smile. “I’ve been casing the joints and charting out the hotspots for you to hit up, my future Hamburglar!”
“H – Hamburglar?!” Pearl clapped an aghast hand to her mouth; positive she had misinterpreted the words, as well as the maniacal, feverish gleam in her cousin’s eyes. “You want me to steal burgers for you?!”
“Obviously! If I can’t rely on you, as my only remaining family, to save me from starvation, then who else can I ask? Desperate times call for desperate measures, after all!” Maya declared, blithely, then leaned forward eagerly as she tapped at the charted fast food restaurant closest to her residence. “It’ll be easier than you think! Just listen to my plan…”
[Maya]
You gotta help me, Pearly
I’m gonna cry!
It’s all Nick’s fault
He’s the reason why!
He used to be such a generous guy
But now he’s skimpin’ on the burgers and holdin’ my side of fries!
I don’t know how I’ve fallen from grace
But his heart’s turned cold and there’s a rock in its place!
He says feeding my stomachs leaves his bank account drained
So now I’m starving ’cause of…
That miser’s disdain!
Run down to the burger place
Without food, I’ll vanish without a trace!
A single burger a day’s all Nick will buy me!
That’s not enough, Pearly
That’s just mean and crazy!
Run down to the Micky D’s
Grab me a few dozen burgers with cheese!
You probably won’t need any money
If you ask nicely enough you might get ’em for free!
Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I’m the Burger Queen! Won’t ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!
36 burgers a day
That’s the minimum to keep me sane!
No one’s place to ask how or why
How I’ll always stay thin like a French fry!
I know that it’s asking a lot
Since my cravings could get you scolded and caught!
With that cute face, you’d get off scot-free
But if I got busted it’d be prison for me!
First try begging and saying pwease
Bat those doe eyes, it’ll be a breeze!
But if they say no and won’t give ’em for free
Don’t be afraid to snatch ’em for li’l ol’ me!
Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I’m the Burger Queen! Won’t ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!
36 burgers a day
That’s the minimum to keep me sane!
No one’s place to ask how or why
How I’ll always stay thin like a French fry!
Burgers! Burgers! I love ’em, I need ’em!
My tummies jump for joy when I eat ’em!
Tasty grease dripping off the bun…
They’re just all so yummers, especially the small ones!
Try a bite, kid, you can’t stop at just one!
For all your cravings, a burger’s gonna fix it
Gotta be beef, the vegan ones are bull spit!
I’m a slave to the flavor, I admit it!
Damn Nick! He’s such a freakin’ skinflint!
(OHHHHHH…!)
Stealth means silence, so no sound
I’ll be starving ’til you come back around!
It’s our little secret- nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
If things go wrong it’s NICK’S fault dontcha think?
Help me, Pearly, I’m a wreck!
If you end on the lam, we’ll just flee to Quebec!
They eat their fries with gravy and cheese
So break the law for me just this once, please!
Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I’m the Burger Queen! Won’t ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!
36 burgers a day
That’s the minimum to keep me sane!
No one’s place to ask how or why
How I’ll always stay thin like a French fry!
BURGERS!
Bring me BURGERS!
Bring me BURGERS!
BRING ME BURGERS!
Tee-hee!
“Jumping seats and plenty riding sideways on a candy pink Fatboy Harley, Maya, have I ever got some great news!” Phoenix announced suddenly, bursting into the bedroom without preamble and beaming from ear to ear. “I just got a call from Sal Manella – remember that soggy hog from Global Studios who claims you inspired him to make the Pink Princess?”
The startled Maya nodded warily.
“How could I forget? I still have the occasional nightmare about the lecherous Otaku and his ever-roaming gaze, which had always made me feel like I needed a shower afterward!”
“Well get a load of this! Apparently, some guy named Shea V. Yerbush has become the new head producer since Dee Vasquez’s departure. They wanted to thank me for getting Matt Engarde declared guilty last month! Long story short, they said my actions of bringing that Judas to justice spared them horrible media publicity and the stigma of having a potential murderer on their payroll – not to mention the cost of paying Mr. ‘Refreshing Like A Spring Breeze’s’ salary!”
The defense attorney put his hands on his hips, a triumphant smile on his lips as he addressed his dumbstruck employee.
“Consequently, for having saved Global monetary squandering, as well as more future scandal and burden down the line… They’re going to pay me all my legal fees for taking on Engarde’s case! Plus, a little something extra!”
“Mr. Nick, that’s wonderful news!” Pearl cheered, clapping her hands. “Congratulations!”
“This is fantastic news!” Maya agreed happily, rushing over to give the attorney a big hug. “But um… Important question! What’s the catch?”
“Keeping my mouth shut,” Phoenix replied with a wry smile. “The sole condition was my unconditional, cooperative silence. Like, if I’m ever approached by any of the media who would try to link a connection to my previous case with the studio, or with Global Studios in any way, I am to deny any and all involvement of either entirely. Basically, it’s not so much legal fee payment as much as its hush money… But either way, they’re couriering a big, fat check over to the office tomorrow! Guess this means we don’t need to cut back on our food budget after all!”
The blue attorney halted abruptly and finally pried himself away from Maya’s smothering embrace to finally take stock of the small child, who had been hidden from his vision until then, and his jaw dropped to his chest.
“Pearls… Why are you dressed all in black, like some sort of cat burglar?!”
He swung his incredulous gaze from the guilty-looking child in her oversized garb and narrowed suspicious eyes at the equally guilty-looking diviner.
“And Maya… Why does your cousin have a raccoon bandit mask tied around her head – with eyeholes cut into it! – made out of my dress socks?!”
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