“Hey there, Dahlia”
Sung to the tune of
“Hey there, Delilah”
From Family Guy
It had been a week since Phoenix’s disbarment and as much as he didn’t want to do so, he needed to clean out the office to make room for some new props that his newly-adopted daughter, Trucy, was buying for her magic shows so that she could help make ends meet after school and on weekends. Sure, Phoenix felt awful that his eight-year-old daughter had to work in order to help keep a roof over their heads, but he didn’t have much of a choice on the matter thanks to how all of the decent-paying employers weren’t too keen on hiring a supposedly-crooked defense attorney who forged evidence and (in the case of female interviewers) had the gall to attempt to cheat everyone’s favorite rock god, Klavier Gavin, out of victory.
Though it wasn’t all bad. Right after Phoenix was disbarred, Kristoph Gavin, Klavier’s older brother made great efforts to become his friend. This was probably done out of paranoia to ensure that he never learned the truth behind that forged diary page, but unfortunately for Kristoph, that ship had already sailed thanks to Phoenix starting a secret investigation in which he quickly found out that the drill-haired attorney was the true culprit behind the forgery after seeing little Vera Misham in possession of a bottle of the same kind of nail polish that the drill-haired defense attorney frequently used. As such, Phoenix could take full advantage of this ‘friendship’ without feeling guilty until he was presented with the right opportunity to clear his name.
For example, being able to sit back on the couch and watch Kristoph struggling to carry a large, heavy cardboard box out of the storage closet.
“Finally!” Kristoph exclaimed, plopping the box down near 14 others identical to it. “The last box! But out of curiosity, Wright, if I may ask, what are the contents of these boxes?”
“Toilet cleaner.” Phoenix nonchalantly responded.
“You mean to tell me that you’ve been storing 15 boxes of toilet cleaner in your office?” Kristoph asked with a look of visible confusion. “What for? I only use a few bottles a month and my office has more than five guests over the course of a year.”
“What can I say?” Phoenix shrugged. “Toilets need cleaning. Though what are you upset about? Thanks to our efforts, the hard part’s done.”
“No, thanks to my efforts the hard part’s done.” Kristoph growled as he pushed his glasses up to hide the rage building up within him. “Because while you had me lugging around your boxes of cleaning supplies like some beast of burden, you were sitting on that couch ‘supervising’ while having Maya do the easy task of cleaning out your desk.”
“No offense, Kristoph, but you have to be my friend for more than a week to be allowed to go through my drawers. And as for me supervising, like I said before, I’m exhausted from having to pull another all-nighter at the Borscht Bowl. But don’t you worry, Kristoph…” Phoenix stated, getting up off the couch to pat his ‘friend’s’ shoulder. “If this bothers you, I’ll make it a point to go over to Drew Studio first thing tomorrow and not leave until I get to the bottom of who forged that diary page. That way, I can learn the truth, get my badge back, and no longer have to worry about being a burden for you.”
“Nonsense, Wright.” Kristoph flashed a warm smile, the left side of his mouth very slightly twitching. “It’s no problem at all. I was just a little bit irritable after having to lift so many heavy boxes. So you just sit back down, relax, and take your mind off everything. Like I said several times before, during my off-hours, I’m investigating your disbarment to the best of my ability and will let you know if-“
“Nick! Nick! Nick!” Maya excitedly shouted as she rushed over to the duo with her hands behind her back. “Guess what I found!”
“Well, I know it’s not the ability to interrupt someone midsentence.” Kristoph wryly retorted.
“I don’t know, Maya… A burger receipt? A Steel Samurai trading card? My dignity?” Phoenix responded, cocking his head to the side to think of what Maya could possibly be so excited about.
“Ha ha! Good one, Nick! As if you ever had dignity to begin with!” Maya tittered. “No, I found this! Ta-da!”
At that moment, Maya showed Phoenix and Kristoph what she was holding: a VCR tape that read ‘Hey there, Dahlia’ in black marker on the label and was surrounded with several pink hearts, prompting the ex-defense attorney’s eyes to become saucer-sized out of horror.
“M-Maya, where did you get that?” Phoenix nervously gulped, doing everything in his power to scream, rip the tape out his burger-loving ex-assistant’s hands, throw it onto the ground, and stomp on it until it was nothing but dust.
“I found it in one of your desk drawers along with a note that was around 20 pages long that went on and on about how horrible Sis was for getting you an acquittal and how she was causing the downfall of society. Though from little I read before getting bored, it seems that Manfred ‘Psycho Perfectionist’ von Karma prosecuted Dahlia’s trial and used a tape that you sent to the police to give to her in order to prove her guilty. So because he had to suffer watching that tape, he only thought that it was right to make the defense attorney that allowed for its creation to also suffer by sending Sis a copy…” A mischievous grin spread across Maya’s face as she looked down at the tape. “So now I really wanna watch it!”
“Maya, please, I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Phoenix pleaded to no avail as Maya bent down to remove the Steel Samurai Season 1 Limited-Edition video that was in the VCR and replaced it with the tape she just found. “You saw how Old Man von Crazy was when we went up against him. For all we know, that tape was what really pushed him over the edge.” Though considering what’s on that tape, it wouldn’t surprise me if that was at least partially true.
“Nonsense, Wright.” Kristoph calmly chimed in. “If you made it, it shouldn’t be too bad.”
Maya proceeded to turn on the television, greeting the group to the sight of Phoenix wearing his pink Feenie sweater in his dorm room struggling to adjust the camera before picking up a guitar.
“Hey there, Dollie!” The younger Phoenix chirped, his cheeks reddening. “I know that the trial today didn’t end well for you, but don’t worry. I’m certain that this is all just one big misunderstanding because a kind, beautiful girl like you couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone kill someone! So until they come to that same conclusion and feel horrible about locking you away like some kind of animal during your trial, I wrote you a song to remind you that your main squeeze, Dreamy Feenie, is always with you. So anyways…”
Young Phoenix proceeded to strum an off chord before proceeding to demonstrate his lack of skill with the guitar full-force by rapidly strumming up and down with the pick with absolutely no grace while singing the lyrics to the song completely off-key.
{Feenie}
Hey there, Dahlia, you are looking oh so pretty,
Even that death glare you gave me after your arrest was heavenly,
You’re my star.
For you, no distance is too far,
I’d even get a car.
Hey there, Dahlia, you’re my queen and you’re my angel,
You must be a siren, ‘cause your sweet voice is like a magic spell,
You’re so fun.
You’re sweeter than the sweetest sweet bun,
Not to mention…
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls do not poop!
Hey there, Dahlia, my love for you is boundless,
Your beauty, kindness, and laugh make me feel blessed as I lose all my stress,
You’re the best girl.
You’re prettier than any pearl,
My lovely girl.
Hey there, Dahlia, they may think you’re a felon,
After that mean Mia Fey saw your beauty and felt so jealous,
But it’s not true.
That nasty skank had nothing on you,
Here’s how I knew…
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
They think that they can keep us apart,
But you’ll always be in my heart,
Because no one can destroy true love like ours.
If a friend dares to insult you,
Our friendship would be through,
Because they’re haters who can’t stand true love like ours.
Dahlia, I solemnly swear,
Everyone will be aware,
That you are as innocent as they come,
So don’t be glum.
Hey there, Dahlia, once this mess is all behind us,
We’ll work towards our dream jobs and upon graduation marriage will be discussed,
Because I can’t live without you,
I’ll do whatever you want me to.
Hey there, Dahlia, you’re so great,
Not to mention…
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls like you do not poop!
Nice girls do not poop!
Oooooooooooooooh!
Oooooooooooooooh!
Oooooooooooooooh!
“I can’t believe that I let that mouth say my burger orders or those hands grab any of the 20 trays!” Maya shuddered, her eyes saucer-sized eyes as she rubbed her hands on her goosebump-covered arms.
“Well, I for one can’t believe that the State of California didn’t create laws banning you from singing or being within ten feet of a guitar.” Kristoph chimed in as he pushed up his glasses to hide the look of absolute disgust on his face. “Seriously, Wright, I never thought that I’d be saying this, but I’d rather hear you massacre the piano.”
“Oh c’mon, guys. It wasn’t… that bad…” Phoenix awkwardly mumbled, his gaze directed slightly towards the ground as he scratched the back of his neck.
“No, Wright, you struggling to play nothing but Chopsticks on your first day working at the Borscht Bowl wasn’t that bad.” Kristoph stared with crossed arms. “That ‘song’- if it even qualifies as such- was so awful and embarrassing that it’s downright sad. As if it wasn’t bad enough that you were strumming haphazardly on an untuned guitar, you dedicated not one, not two, but three entire verses to proclaiming that you’re ex-girlfriend didn’t poop. Of all the topics you could have possibly chosen to sing about, what possessed you to pick that one? Did you feel that it wasn’t bad enough that you saying ‘My perfect little Dollie doesn’t poop!’ is forever part of the transcript for your trial?”
“Hey, cut me some slack, Kristoph!” Phoenix objected. “Everyone does at least one stupid thing in college.”
“Speak for yourself, Wright.” Kristoph smirked.
“So you’re saying that you didn’t do anything regrettable during our days back at Ivy U?” Phoenix asked with a smirk of his own.
“Correct, Wright, because unlike you, I was actually thinking.” Kristoph wryly replied.
“In that case, what were you thinking when you decided to get that perm?” Phoenix retorted, taking satisfaction at wiping the smug grin off his ‘friend’s’ face.
“You had a PERM!?” Maya guffawed, so overcome with laughter that she almost fell back.
“Yes, Maya, I had a perm during my senior year at Ivy University.” Kristoph irritably answered as he glowered at the spirit medium. “Though for your information, that perm was considered quite fashionable at the exclusive country club that I and the rest of my family are members of. Therefore, it’s hardly my fault that you, Wright, and the countless mouth-breathing troglodytes that made up the student body at that joke of a college can’t appreciate style when you see it.”
“Oh, we appreciated your style, Kristoph…” Phoenix chuckled. “You don’t know how many cram sessions were made bearable thanks to all the jokes that I and everyone else in our classes made about your perm and velvet suit, Liberace.”
“You know what, Wright. I don’t have to take this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go call my brother and apologize for all of the times that I told him that his guitar skills were mediocre at best and to congratulate him once again for his performance in court last week.” Kristoph snidely remarked as he briskly strode to the office’s entrance and left, making sure to slam the door behind him.”
“Suit yourself.” Phoenix shrugged before directing his attention back to the closet. “Alright, Maya, from the look of it, all of the heavy stuff’’s out of the closet. So besides having Gumshoe drive the boxes of toilet cleaner over to my apartment, all that’s left is for you to get your box of Steel Samurai memorabilia out of the closet and take it back to your place in Kurain.”
“Will do, Nick!” Maya chirped with a nod. “But I feel those 12 burgers from lunch catching up to me. So before I do that, I’m gonna pay a visit to the little girl’s room and teach you a lesson about nice girls that you won’t soon forget.” The spirit medium teased as she made her way to the restroom and closed the door behind her.
“And Kristoph wonders why I have so much toilet cleaner…” Phoenix sighed, taking out a bottle of toilet cleaner from one of the boxes as he dreaded what horrors he was going to have to face in the near future.
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