“I Don’t Wanna Be”
Sung to the tune of
“There’s No Easy Way”
by James Ingram
Normally, at five o’clock in the evening, Athena couldn’t get out of the office fast enough. Sure, the yellow-clad defense attorney loved her job and working with the Wrights, but she also loved all of the leisure activities she could enjoy outside of work: hanging out with Simon and Junie, jogging, researching the latest developments in the world of psychology, and (in more recent times) not being forced to take part in Trucy’s magic shows of pain and sorrow. No wonder Apollo’s the way he is! After just one month of inheriting the punishment of being the bubbly, yet borderline unhinged magician’s assistant, Athena’s noticed a drastic decline in her ability to get a good night’s sleep and an equally strong increase in her desire to cry.
Though being Trucy’s assistant wasn’t the only thing that Athena inherited from Apollo after he left the Anything Agency to start up his own firm in Khura’in- far from it. Apparently, Apollo was like some kind of lightning rod when it came to bad luck and ridicule from others, because the second the psychology buff was left as the only junior attorney at the Anything Agency, everything started going wrong for her nonstop: everyone she’s come across (with the exception of Junie) hasn’t passed up an opportunity to make at least one jab towards her suit or hair, Phoenix has been excluding her more and more from assisting him in investigations, opting to have her ‘hold down the fort’ at the Anything Agency while he goes out with Maya and/or Pearl, and for some reason, everyone expects her to treat for group meals despite them knowing that she makes peanuts- less than peanuts, even! At least with peanuts, you can eat them.
Which is why instead of enjoying her evening, Athena was sitting on one of the Anything Agency’s couches, looking down at her cellphone that she was gripping with a look of dread, as if she was dealing with a matter of life and death.
“You ready, Junie?” Athena asked, taking a deep breath to calm herself. “You ready to bring Apollo home and restore balance to the universe?”
“I-I don’t know, Thena…” Juniper nervously answered with her hands clasped together, her gaze moving off to the side. “I miss Apollo too, but we shouldn’t push him to come back just because things are a little tough.”
“A little tough?” Athena angrily hissed. “A ‘little tough’ is when my psycho tyrant magician boss forces me to assist her with tricks that are less ‘trick’ and more ‘cruel and unusual punishment’, when my mentor makes me spend my day cleaning the toilet until my hands are on the verge of falling off while he’s out investigating with Maya, or when Klavier and everyone else in the justice system make nonstop remarks about how my hair makes me look like a spider. Very tough, on the other hand, is when all three are happening to you at the same time!”
“Ok, I’ll admit it was pretty bad when Prosecutor Debeste and Detective Faraday were asking you if Spiderus was your husbando in court the other day…”
“Exactly! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, Junie!” Athena wailed as she did everything in her power to hold back the tears forming in her eyes. “That’s why we need to bring Apollo back!”
“I-I’m still not sure, Thena.”
“Come on, Junie. You and I both know that you want Apollo to come back just as much, if not more, than me.” Athena remarked with a mischievous grin.
“W-What do you- *cough!* *cough!* mean?” Juniper nervously asked, taking a large whiff of the sunflower on her hat to ease her cough.
“Junie, with my hearing, I knew about your crush on Apollo the moment it formed. And do you honestly think I didn’t notice that heart-covered scarf you start knitting whenever your feelings for him surface…?” Athena teased, prompting the other girl’s cheeks to become as red as a tomato.
“P-Please don’t tell anyone about this!” Juniper pleaded as she pulled her pigtails. “I-I’d die *cough!* of embarrassment!”
“My lips are sealed, Junie. However, if we don’t get Apollo back, then there’s a good chance that you’d never get the opportunity to tell him yourself. So let me ask you again: Are you ready, Junie?”
“Yes, Thena.” The aspiring judge confidently replied with a nod as her childhood friend took out her cell phone and dialed her ex-coworker’s number.
“Athena…?” Apollo groggily answered after the phone rang a few times.
“Hey, Apollo! What’s up with you?” Athena excitedly asked with a huge grin on her face.”
“Well, I was sleeping since it’s almost 6:00 in the morning here.” The horn-haired attorney wryly replied. “So what’s wrong?”
“Can’t a girl call in just to see how her dear friend and former coworker’s doing?” The psychology buff innocently asked.
“A girl, yes; you, no. So what’s going on?” Apollo asked with a hint of fear in his voice. “Did Mr. Wright get hit by another car? Did another one of Trucy’s magic tricks go horribly wrong? Did you try watering Charley with ‘super water’ again? Damn it, Athena! I don’t care if some guy named Moondew or Twinkly Butternut Boom Boom Nebula or whatever from Pure Foods told you that some brown sludge that he found in his gutters is some kind of miracle water that will make you live forever, that stuff nearly killed poor Charlie!”
“His name is ‘Arborius’ and he’s the leading expert on plants in his drum circle, for your information, but that’s not why I’m calling you.”
“Then why are you calling?” Apollo asked, his tone becoming less nervous and more dreading.
“Well, I just wanted to… You see, I… Frankly…. Please come back to the Anything Agency, Apollo! Everyone’s been a wreck without you!” Athena shrieked.
“What?”
“Ever since you’ve left, everyone has been miserable: Trucy’s been forcing me to assist her with tricks that are way deadlier than anything she put you through, Mr. Wright lets me investigate less since Maya got back and makes me clean the toilet every time, Junie’s a mess because she loves- What the heck, Junie!? Stop trying to cover my mouth! I just saying that you love Apollo’s company! Ok, where was I? I’m sure there was one more… Oh, right! Even Klavier misses you!”
“Yeah, probably because I’m no longer around to be his walking punchline.” Apollo scoffed.
“Well, regardless of the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that ever since you left, Klavier got back to creating songs, but these aren’t the fast-paced, upbeat rock singles that put him on the charts- far from it. I’m talking whinny emo songs that are sad on so many levels for all the wrong reasons, like Shot me in the Forehead, Khura’in on My Parade, and Flutterboy Came, Flutterboy Took. That’s why you need to come back to the Anything Agency, Apollo!”
“Look Athena, as much as I don’t want to see anyone suffer the fate of hearing some Gavin-meets-Twilight monstrosity, I can’t come back yet. Even though Khura’in’s major university has reintroduced its defense attorney’s curriculum, until some of the students in it complete their education, I’m the only defense attorney in the entire country. Plus, I may still have to deal with crazy clients, toilets that need to be cleaned, and being the butt of everyone’s jokes- especially from the human laugh track that is Datz Are’bal- but at least here, I have a say in how things work in my office and have a living salary.”
“But Apollo…” Athena pleaded before breaking out into song.
{Athena}
I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause everyone acts like I’m you.
Trucy comes to me,
But her psycho grin’s clearly not a good sign for me!
I’m used to test Trucy’s tricks,
And so I do all I can to escape,
But no matter how fast and far I run,
I find myself being threatened with a stage gun,
And a big pay cut!
I don’t wanna be everyone’s punching bag!
The Boss lied and said I’d be fine,
But I know the truth and see the signs.
But I have no choice,
Because no one else will hire me for some reason!
With a toilet brush in hand,
I experience grossness at their command!
The smell always makes me flinch,
And the sight haunts my dreams,
But when I object, Trucy gives me grief,
And a big pay cut!
I don’t wanna be everyone’s punching bag!
The Judge shows me no mercy,
The witnesses are completely crazy,
And the prosecutors always torture me!
Klavier mocks me to no end,
And forgets that I’m his fan and friend!
Last week in court, Klavier was so cold.
I showed him my wit, wiles, and mood matrix prowess,
But he just whined about how you’re better than me!
Apollo, please help me!
And when the sun sets soon,
I have to treat the team to dinner at Eldoon’s,
Where I cry when we go there every day,
‘Cause that salty broth makes me wanna run far away,
But I can’t say no,
Or Trucy will cut my pay!
I don’t wanna be…!
I don’t wanna be everyone’s punching bag!
“So what do say, Apollo? Will you come back to the Anything Agency?” Athena asked with a mix of hope and nervousness in her voice.
“No,” Apollo answered matter-of-factly with no hesitation.
“What?” The psychology buff responded with a tone of disbelief.
“I said ‘no’, Athena. As I already told everyone, I plan on returning to L.A. someday, but not anytime in the near future.”
“But I sang a musical number for you!” Athena protested, her pupils disappearing out of rage as she squeezed the life out of her phone. “So, by the law of movies, you’re obligated to do as I ask after a brief moment of hesitation!”
“This isn’t a movie, Athena; this is real life. As such, I’m not going to drop everything that I’ve built up in Khura’in at the drop of a hat just because you sang a song that highlights several of the reasons that make me want to stay here and there’s nothing you can say to change my mind.”
“Oh, that reminds me: Junie’s here and from the look on her face, she’s just dying to talk to you!” Athena chirped, thrusting her phone at her best friend with only a meek yelp of protest from the other girl.
“H-Hi, Apollo…” Juniper nervously stated, her cheeks becoming redder by the second.
“Oh, hey Juniper! How are things going?” The horn-haired attorney jovially asked.
“I-I’m doing fine, though I have to admit that I’ve been a bit down in the dumps since you left, Apollo. I… I miss you- the unwavering determination you show in court, even when everyone is against you, the bravery that you show when defending your friends…” Seeing how nicely you fill out your khakis. Juniper thought to herself, a small smirk appearing on her face for the briefest of moments before being replaced with a frown and eyes full of sadness. “I know that you’re busy setting things right in Khura’in, but I would love to see you again.”
Upon hearing this, Athena couldn’t help but inwardly cheer, pumping her fists in the air as Widget glowed a bright green. She did it! Apollo was coming home and things would return to normal! After all, no one could say no to a girl like Junie saying something like that unless they had a heart of stone- something the yellow-clad attorney knew was the exact opposite of Apollo’s nature, as seen by how crazy he went when his best friend was murdered, as well as the My Little Pony mangas that he thought were well-hidden in his desk. If only they were doing a video call so that Junie could really seal the deal by flashing Apollo those doe eyes of hers.
“Well, in that case, you’re in luck. Nahyuta’s currently in L.A. helping Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth with a trial and getting some ideas on how to reform the Prosecutor’s Office over here and he’s going to be coming back in about a week. So if you want, I can give him a call, you can come here, crash at my place for a few days, and then come back with him when he flies out for another trial.”
“I-I don’t know, Apollo… I-I wouldn’t want to impose on Prosecutor Sahdmadhi.” Juniper meekly responded, closing her eyes and clenching her free hand in a fist out of nervousness.
“Trust me, as Nahyuta’s foster brother, he’d be more than happy to do this for us. In fact, when Nahyuta flies, he buys an entire row- one seat for him, one for the Holy Mother, and one for his ‘spiritual presence’, whatever that means. As such, both you and Athena could come to visit me here, even though she’d probably refuse the offer with every fiber of her being.”
“Let me ask.” Juniper jovially responded with a grin before directing her attention to her childhood friend. “Athena, Apollo offered to have Prosecutor Sahdmadhi fly us out to Khura’in to visit him for a few days next week. What do you think?”
“The only way I’m seeing Apollo is if he walks through the door to this office right here- especially if visiting him in Khura’in means spending an eternity on a plane with his coworker-stealing ‘brother’ while the guy lectures me nonstop on how I’m going to Hell!”
With a nod, the aspiring judge returned the phone to her ear. “Thena would prefer not to, but I-I’d be more than happy to take you up on your offer.”
“JUNIE!” Athena shrieked, her hands flying to her cheeks as her expression morphed into one of pure horror.
“Great! I’ll see you- Oh, I have to go! I’m getting a call from the police. Hopefully, they finally have a lead on that stolen yak.”
“Good luck, Apollo. I’ll see you in a week.” Juniper ended the call, giggling to herself with reddened cheeks as she pressed the phone to her chest while her childhood friend glared at her with reddened cheeks of her own, though for a very different reason.
“Et tu, Junie?” Athena huffed with her hands on her hips.
“I’m sorry, Thena, but I’m no longer the submissive little girl who was always your lady-in-waiting when we’d play ‘The Adventures of Princess Athena and Sir Simon the Samurai.’” Juniper responded with a stern, confident look in her eyes. “Sure, I may have my soft-spoken moments and am not as open with my feelings as I’d like to be, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a grown woman with needs; and right now, I need Apollo!”
“Well, I need my best friend to help me bring Apollo back so I no longer have to deal with my psycho magician boss! Please, Junie! I don’t wanna be just another Troupe Gramarye statistic!” The psychology buff desperately pleaded as tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Calm down, Thena.” Junie gently stated, patting her friend’s shoulder with one hand while handing the other girl her cell phone with the other. “I’m just going to spend a few days in Khura’in and then be back before you know it. If anything, you should be happy because I’ll be able to talk to Apollo in person and should at the very least get him to visit here every once in a while.”
“That’s what we thought when we went there when Maya was kidnapped, only for us to return with one less Apollo thanks to Prosecutor Sad Monk! What if he convinces you to stay with the same story of ‘reforming the legal system’ that he used on Apollo? What if you decide to be more than friends with Apollo, fall in love with the country, and start a new life for yourself with him there?!” Athena exclaimed, her eyes becoming saucer-sized and her breathing going shallow as she placed her hands over her ears. “I can’t lose you too, Junie! I can’t be left alone with Trucy’s death shows, Mr. Wright’s toilet that always needs cleaning, and Klavier’s whinny soy boy music kick! I just can’t! I may have Simon, but there’s only so much support he can give due to his hotel’s worth of emotional baggage that he refuses to unloaaaaad!”
As Athena broke down into tears, Juniper gave her a comforting hug before looking her in the eyes. “Thena; Thena, calm down. I swear on every tree in the forest that I’m not going to up and leave you on a whim. I may love Apollo and want nothing more than to start a life with him, but I refuse to abandon you during this tough time.”
Athena sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Y-You say that, but that’s only because you don’t realize that Khura’in was made for you: the air’s clean, most of the country’s quiet and full of scenic forests and mountains, and it has Apollo!”
“While all those things sound nice, there’s one thing that Khura’in doesn’t have: my friends. And once I get back, I’ll be sure to tell you, Hugh, and Robin all about my trip.”
“Thanks, Junie. Though while you’re there, be sure to remind Apollo about all of the good things that he’s missing out on until he’s begging to come back here with you!” Athena smirked, her disposition brightening up as she slammed her fist into her open palm.
“Will do, Thena.” Juniper nodded with a giggle as she got up from her seat and walked over to the barricaded office door. “Uh, Thena…?” The aspiring judge awkwardly gestured to the pile of magic props blocking the door.
“Oh, sure thing,” Athena stated as she got up and helped Juniper move the magic props out of the way. “Sorry again about this. It was the only way to ensure that Trucy wouldn’t barge in while we were talking and force me to help her practice her arts of torture.” The psychology buff shuddered.
“No problem, Thena. If Trucy gives you a hard time, be sure to give me, Robin, and/or Hugh a call and we’ll do everything we can to help.” Juniper reassured her friend before exiting the office through the now-unblocked entrance. “Huh. I don’t remember that ceiling vent being open when I got here…” The aspiring judge mused as closed the door behind her.
“Wait, did you just say something about an open air vent…?” Athena nervously gulped as she broke out into a cold sweat. “Oh no…”
“Hello, Athena.” Trucy coldly stated as she emerged from the back of the office.
“T-TRUCY!” Athena shrieked, quickly turning to face her young employer’s death glare. “H-How long have you been here?”
“Long enough to learn that not only do you think that I’m some kind of psycho tyrant, but that you also hate Klavier’s newest masterpiece, Khura’in on My Parade!” Trucy growled as she pulled a CD with a picture of Klavier sadly strumming a guitar while sitting under a storm of magatama-shaped raindrops on the front out of her magic panties before immediately returning it to the enigmatic bloomers.
“I-I’m sorry, Trucy! I just want to bring Apollo back because I’m tired of all of the dangerous tricks you’ve been making me do and being nothing but a joke to practically everyone!”
“You think I like this, Athena?” Trucy angrily asked, her hands on her hips as she glowered at her terrified subordinate. “Polly was my dream assistant- he couldn’t run away from me because of his weak baby legs and the audience loved watching him suffer way more than you! But alas, since we don’t have Polly, we have to make the best of things. So brace yourself, Athena, ‘cause our next trick’s going to be the hottest thing ever- figuratively and literally!” The young magician chirped, a mischievous grin forming on her face as she reached into her magic panties and pulled out a butane torch, a canister of gasoline, and several sticks of dynamite. “I call it ‘Burning Ring of Fire!’”
“And I call it instant death! JUNIEEE!!!” Athena screamed at the top of her lungs as she burst out of the office and ran away from the area as fast as she could.
“You can’t run forever, Athena!” Trucy shouted, pulling a Troupe Gramarye stage pistol out of her magic panties before proceeding to chase after her subordinate. “Don’t forget who signs your paycheck, which will be much smaller if you don’t get back here!”
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