113 Kristoph’s Song

CT: Considering how self-absorbed Kristoph is and how often he’s compared to the Devil, I don’t know anyone more fitting to sing a parody of a self-aggrandizing song sung by the Devil from “Cuphead”. Though considering how Kristoph can barely manage a single seven-year-long revenge scheme that ultimately ends in failure, if he took over Hell, he’d have a mental breakdown in less than a week. Though Blaise Debeste on the other hand…

JP: The Cuphead game was a bit too complex for me and my out-of-practice rookie gamer thumbs, but I’ve fallen in love with the show and its gorgeous animation style. Also, Kristoph is the Exhibit A poster child of what happens when you’re given WAAAAY too many hugs as a child. As my formidable writing partner has superbly demonstrated… Bitchtoff loves himself the way a frat kid loves Drake…

“Kristoph’s Song”
Sung to the tune of
“The Devil’s Song”
from “The Cuphead Show”

It was a standard night at the Borscht Bowl- the dining area was so cold that it made Antarctica look like a tropical paradise, the bar was packed with customers desperately trying to warm themselves with cheap drinks as they enjoyed their borscht, and everyone else present was pressing their hands against their ears, praying for the sweet release of death as Phoenix subjected them to a horribly botched round of Chopsticks from the piano. Though out of all of the customers who weren’t able to numb the pain caused by the ex-attorney’s absolute lack of musical talent, none were suffering as much as Kristoph Gavin, who had the misfortune of being right next to the piano of punishment.

If you were to ask anyone who knew him, they’d say that Kristoph Gavin was the epitome of levelheadedness- very rarely losing his cool, always being quick to adapt when a sudden change arose in one of his cases, and never appearing to give a second thought to the countless… colorful personalities that he encountered over the course of his career. However, at that current moment, the Coolest Defense in the West was doing everything in his power to keep himself from leaping up out of his seat, screaming at the top of his lungs, punching a hole through the wall, and sprinting out of this polar purgatory that was more frigid than his ex-girlfriend from his college days. But alas, unlike the other disgruntled customers who could leave at any time, though didn’t for some reason he couldn’t understand for the life of him, Kristoph was forced to endure this auditory torture right in the cacophonic epicenter out of ‘friendship’ for Phoenix.

How could a person be so unskilled at playing the piano? For God’s sake, Phoenix was butchering Chopsticks, a basic song that they teach to young children who have zero experience with the instrument whatsoever. Sure, Kristoph knew that Phoenix’s piano position was just a cover for his real job as an undefeated poker champ, but you’d think that given how much integrity the dethroned Comeback King demonstrated in court, he’d display even a fraction of it in his new role and actually learn to play the instrument for the sake of the poor customers- especially since Kristoph, a skilled pianist who was forced by his crazed mother to take a decade’s worth of lessons in the hopes of it somehow leading to grandchildren, offered to give him pointers on multiple occasions. Though just as Phoenix had refused to learn anything about technology and had been stuck with that annoying, dated Steel Samurai ringtone, so too had the man formerly known as the Turnabout Terror refused any and all piano lessons and had made it a point to subject a room full of innocent people to cruel and unusual punishment since starting at the Borsht Bowl a little over a year ago.

“Any requests?” Phoenix called out, giving the suffering audience a moment of reprieve as he paused, waiting for a request that would not come for obvious reasons, which, as Kristoph knew all too well, would result in yet another round of Splintery Chopsticks, as he dubbed his ‘friend’s’ rendition.

“Yes, a better pianist.” Kristoph spoke up, finally reaching the end of his rope as he flashed his ‘friend’ a scowl, prompting other customers to speak up in agreement.

“Sorry, Kristoph, but I’m all you’ve got,” Phoenix smirked. “Unless, of course, you think you can do better.”

“I don’t think I can play the piano better than you, Wright, I know it.” Kristoph smugly replied as he got up from his seat and took Phoenix’s place at the piano. “Alright, everyone, as an act of mercy, I’ll treat you all to some actual music in the form of an original song. So sit back and enjoy the show.”

Kristoph then proceeded to play a simple melody that didn’t make everyone else in the room writhe in pain before upping the ante with some lyrics.

{Kristoph}

For those unaware,

I’m Kristoph Gavin,

The best attorney,

‘Cause I always win.

They say I’m a genius, a god, a mensch.

I’m the Coolest Defense in the West,

Who rules from his bench.

I’m fit, handsome, and stately,

As Mother tells me.

Though my intellect is where I truly shine.

When I argue,

My rivals whimper and whine.

So as you can plainly see,

Everyone’s nothing next to me,

And proving that fact never fails to fill me with glee!

Upon finishing his song, Kristoph stood up from the bench and gave the other customers a bow before proceeding to saunter over to his ‘friend’.

“And there you have it, Wright: undeniable proof of my musical superiority over you. Just listen to the resounding praise of my adoring fans!” Kristoph smirked, his demeanor radiating absolute smugness as he gestured to the other customers who proceed to give him a hesitant round of applause.

“Yep, you sure showed me, Kristoph,” Phoenix responded with a mellow tone mixed with indifference as he shoved his hands into his hoodie’s pockets.

“Well, aren’t you taking this defeat well?” The Coolest Defense in the West warmly remarked with a slight hint of frustration as the left corner of his smiling mouth started to twitch.

“What can I say?” Phoenix shrugged. “It takes all kinds to make the world go ’round. For example, you might be a better piano player than me, but when it comes to poker, your abilities are much to be desired.”

“Nonsense, Wright.” Kristoph scoffed. “I may not make a living playing poker in such an… interesting establishment, but my skills at the game are nothing to sneeze at.”

“You’re right, Kristoph. It takes real talent to rack up a 20 grand poker debt with Trucy in the three hours I had you babysit her two days ago.” Phoenix wryly retorted.

“I’m sorry, Wright, but your daughter’s a cheater,” Kristoph growled, using every fiber of his being to keep his temper in check. “I don’t know how, but I’m beyond certain that foul play was at work that evening. No child could possibly have such a solid grasp of poker.”

“They can if they were raised for eight years by a man with a passion for the game. Speaking of which, there’s something that’s been on my mind ever since we first started hanging out, Kristoph. When you were Zak’s original defense attorney, did he challenge you to a game of poker?”

“Why do you ask?” Kristoph curtly answered, pushing up his glasses to hide the death glare forming on his face.

“It’s just that when I offered to be Zak’s attorney, he insisted that I play a game of poker with him and was wondering if he did the same to you. Sure, I won without really trying, but I found it really strange that he decided to hire me on the spot over a game of poker. Wouldn’t you agree?” Phoenix asked with a smirk, prompting his ‘friend’ to start walking towards the restaurant’s exit. “Hey, Kristoph, where are you going?”

Kristoph stopped in his tracks and turned to face the poker shark. “Sorry, Wright, but your bringing up past trials reminded me that it would be in my best interest to head back to my office to go over the details for my latest case one last time to make sure that I’m not missing anything. Wouldn’t want to be caught with my pants down because of some evidence gone wrong, you know?”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” Phoenix sullenly chuckled, a smile still on his face, but his eyes exuded the energy of a man who lost everything. “By the way, how do you want to handle the bill for this week’s outing?”

“Just add it to the debt that Trucy strong-armed me into having notarized.” Kristoph snarled as he made his way out of the restaurant while angrily muttering under his breath.