71 Let’s Help Her Eminence!

Notes

CT: If you thought that “Surgeon!”, a parody in which Grey cuts out the vocal chords of the weather girl who had the audacity to ruin his suit with her faulty predictions, is the darkest entry in this fanfic, then you haven’t read this one yet. Honestly, I don’t know what possessed me to sit down and listen to the original song for hours on end as I wrote this. I guess it got stuck in my head as I suffered with a stealth section for nearly ten minutes as it played in the background when I was recording my blind playthrough of the game. That, or it left me with mental scars when I heard it playing in a dark hallway reminiscent of the one from “The Shining”. Either way, somehow this parody came into being and made me start questioning my sanity.

JP: Gyaah! I thought the sight of Jean Armstrong twerking in the AA anime was the most disturbing thing I’d have to witness this year…but it looks like I was wrong. Enjoy the mondo disturbia imagery concocted by my comic genius partner, who has openly disclaimed that on occasion, his sense of humor is more twisted than a pretzel in a tornado! Lemme know if you agree this might surpass the nightmare fuel of a certain twerking jiggling cream puff! 😉

“Let’s Help Her Eminence!”


“Let’s Help Her Eminence!”
Sung to the tune of
“Let’s Play with Monokuma”

from Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls”


It was a regular day at the Anything Agency and Phoenix was using that time to read a case file for an upcoming trial. However, the spiky-haired attorney was suddenly interrupted by Maya bursting into the office.

“Nick! Nick! Nick!” Maya jovially screamed at the top of her lungs as she ran over to her friend. “I’ve just received the greatest gift ever- the gift to end all gifts!”

“The willpower to keep yourself from bleeding my poor wallet dry with your infamous four stomachs?” Phoenix wry asked, not even looking up from his case file.

“Don’t be silly, Nick!” Maya chirped as she playfully slapped her friend’s shoulder. “I’m talking about this!”

The burger-loving spirit medium pulled a videotape labeled ‘Special Musical Episode’ out of her robe, placing it right on top of Phoenix’s case file so that he couldn’t ignore it.

“A video, Maya?” Phoenix asked with a tone of slight irritation as he handed the tape back to his loyal assistant.

“Not just any video, Nick! This video contains an episode of ‘The Plumed Punisher’ that will never, ever be aired!” Maya squealed, hugging the videotape as if it was her baby.

“What?” Phoenix asked, flashing the excited fangirl a confused look.

“Yeah! Prosecutor Sahdmadhi mailed it to Kurain just for me! Apparently, he and Rayfa were cleaning out Inga’s private quarters and found it in one of his desk drawers.”

“Wait, why wouldn’t Rayfa want to keep it for herself? After all, she’s a huge ‘Plumed Punisher’ fan as well.”

“From what I read in the note that Prosecutor Sahdmadhi included with the video, Rayfa doesn’t want to watch any unreleased episodes that depict Ga’ran as a hero and Dhurke as a villain. That’s why they’re currently filming an arc where Dhurke, Inga, and the Plumed Punisher move past their differences and team up to fight Ga’ran, who’s now a cyborg that fires lasers and breathes fire. But since this was the last episode that Inga worked on before he… you know… Rayfa couldn’t bring herself to throw it out and instead decided to send it to a friend that she knew would appreciate it; which is why we’re gonna watch it right now!”

Without waiting for her friend to respond, Maya rushed over to the television and inserted the tape into the VCR that Phoenix, like with his old dinosaur phone, refused to get rid of.

“Maya, no offence, but watching that episode is the last thing I want to do today.” Phoenix stated as he went back to reading his case file.

“C’mon, Nick! I know you’re an old geezer, but why don’t you wanna have fun?” Maya whined.

“I like fun, but if I want to survive tomorrow’s trial against Franziska, I have to study this case file.” Phoenix retorted, slapping the back of his hand against the manila folder to emphasize his point. “And if Franziska does kill me because I decided to have fun instead of having some sort of strategy, I don’t want it to be because I was watching the Khura’inese knockoff of ‘The Steel Samurai’.”

“But, Niiiiiiiiick! This is an episode that only we get to see! It’ll change the way we look at the world!”

“That’s what you said when Gumshoe sold you that video that he secretly filmed of Edgeworth wearing a Steel Samurai tee-shirt and tight European shorts while doing his morning calisthenics in his apartment as part of his line of ‘Edgeworth merchandise’.” Phoenix shuddered upon recalling that dreadful video. “And just so you know, I’m still having nightmares about it.”

“Don’t be such a baby, Nick!” Maya huffed with puffed out cheeks. “This episode will be fun, you’ll see!”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure to remember that when Franziska puts me in a coma.” Phoenix wryly retorted.

“Well, if you don’t watch this episode with me, then I’ll tell Pearly, and you know how she gets when you upset me!”

“Hey, Boss, if you don’t want to watch that video, I could take your place while you-” Athena called out from inside the bathroom, her voice filled with hope, only to be cut-off by Phoenix.

“Nice try, Athena, but you’re not leaving that bathroom until the toilet is spotless.”

“But I always have to clean the toilet!” Athena whined.

“Well, I’ve always had to watch these kinds of shows with Maya. So, it looks like we’re even.” Phoenix groaned as Maya turned on the video which proceeded to play ‘The Plumed Punisher’ theme song.

However, unlike most episodes of ‘The Plumed Punisher’, instead of going straight into the episode, it just stayed on the title screen as Inga started speaking in a tone that sounded like he really didn’t want to do this.

“Hey kids, I know you wanna jump straight into today’s episode, but before we get into all the action, drama, and comedy, Her Eminence has a little treat for you that she’s been working very hard on. So because we all… like… her, and because she can be very… persuasive, here’s Queen Ga’ran and the Ga’ran Kids.”

The video immediately cut to Ga’ran standing in the middle of a stage where she had children who were dressed like the Plumed Punisher to either side of her in a straight, orderly line. Though Phoenix and Maya weren’t focusing on the children or the former queen, but rather the props that were behind the group: fake trees that were typically used in stage productions that had the bodies of deceased Defiant Dragons – not mannequins with armbands, but actual corpses that used to be living, breathing people – dangling from the branches by the ropes ties around their necks like morbid fruits.

And as if things couldn’t be any creepier, a cheery tune that wouldn’t be out of place in a carnival that sounded eerily similar to the song from ‘It’s a Small World’ started playing as the children started singing.


 Let’s fight the Defiant Dragons,
And fill the air with their screams and yells.
Queen Amara died because Dhurke’s the Devil in human-form,
So they must burn and rot in Hell.


Queen Ga’ran bears a holy light,
Which she will use to purge this blight.
Queen Ga’ran loves all her people,
So serve her and be gleeful.


 

If you see a Dragon in the streets,
Don’t hesitate to beat in their brains.
We will create a mountain with all their bodies,
And crush Dhurke under their remains.


 

Kill them!
Kill them!
Kill them, Your Eminence!
Break them!
Break them!
Break them, Your Eminence!


 

If we band together in these most dark of times,
Dhurke will surely pay for his crimes.


 

Your Eminence, we will achieve peace,
When their blood flows through the streets.
We won’t show a shred of mercy,
When we stab and bleed them out.


 

They will feel every shred of fury,
When we crush all their bones.


 

We will not stop till every Dragon’s dead,
And their remains are all black, blue, and red.
The Holy Mother smiles down on us,
Because we serve Her holy cause.


 

Do not listen to Dhurke’s silver tongue,
Instead rip it out painfully.
We only heed the word of Her Eminence,
As we fight that big bully.


 

When the dragons are defeated and dead,
We will light their bodies ablaze and see them melt,
And roast Dhurke on them alive so he knows how Her Mercifulness felt.


 

Burn them!
Burn them!
Burn them, Your Eminence!
Crush them!
Crush them!
Crush them, Your Eminence!


 

Tomorrow will be a bright and joyous day,
When Dhurke’s killed like base prey.


 

Queen Ga’ran’s a woman of repose,
But even she has her limits.
Queen Ga’ran won’t tolerate those,
Who threaten our safety.


 

Holy Mother, guide our hands and goals,
So You can damn Dhurke’s soul!


The footage then transitioned back to the show’s title screen where Inga once again started speaking.

“Thanks for listening to that little message from my… lovely wife. And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the epic fight between the Plumed Punisher and Dhurke’s –”

However, before the episode itself could start, Maya quickly turned off the television.

“I think I’m gonna be sick, Nick!” She groaned, putting a hand over her mouth before making a beeline dash for the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.

“Oh, c’mon! I just finished cleaning that, Maya!” Athena wailed at the top of her lungs.

“I never thought that I’d say this,” Phoenix mumbled to himself as he just stared at the black television screen with a mixed look of terror and shock in his eyes. “But I think that I’ve found something more horrifying than ‘Edgeworth’s Honeybun Sunrise’! ”

License

Singing in the Courtroom Copyright © by JordanPhoenix and CzarThwomp. All Rights Reserved.

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