82 Prosecutors and Attorneys
“Prosecutors/Attorneys”
Sung to the tune of “Kids”
from the movie, Bye-Bye Birdie
It was Athena’s first Thanksgiving with the Anything Agency and she couldn’t have been more overjoyed. For one thing, it was her first Thanksgiving in eight years on account of the fact that she had been living with her family in Europe. But even when she did celebrate Thanksgiving at the Space Center, it looked a bit depressing when compared to this evening.
Instead of sitting in the dimly lit Cosmos Space Center cafeteria, Athena was seated at the mahogany table in the dining area of Edgeworth’s large, elegant apartment with the Chief Prosecutor, who was at one head of the table and chatting to a man seated to his left that had a goatee and was wearing a fedora. Apparently, the man’s name was Raymond Shield’s, a defense attorney who had actually worked with Gregory Edgeworth, the Chief Prosecutor’s father- a fact that the yellow-cladded attorney learned when ‘ol’ Uncle Ray’ introduced himself and insisted that he give her a hug. Thankfully, that endeavour quickly came to an end when Simon threatened to gut the hug-happy attorney like a fish before breaking out of his handcuffs, much to the terror of the police officers who were tasked with watching over him. Though fortunately, the officers were able to quickly slap a new stronger pair of handcuffs on the Twisted Samurai’s wrists after subduing him with a jolt of electricity from the ankle brace that he was required to wear by the police.
Because of that little incident, coupled with the fact that he legitimately wanted to be near the girl that he viewed as a little sister, Simon made it a point to sit right next to Athena on her right side in order to act as a barrier between her and ‘Uncle Ray’. However, based on how the Twisted Samurai was glaring at the goofy-looking prosecutor sitting across from him, it would appear that he had other objectives on his mind- objectives that could be added to his criminal record. Though based on how the other prosecutor, whose name was Sebastian Debeste, kept on rambling on and on about how Cory in the House and Seinfeld were two of the greatest animes ever created, despite both shows clearly being live-action, Athena couldn’t really blame Simon for acting the way he was. Heck, the yellow-cladded attorney was half-tempted to thump the irritating prosecutor herself, but restrained herself due to the fact that the man was suffering enough at the hands of the silver-haired woman sitting to his left, Prosecutor Franziska von Karma, who made it a point to tell him how foolish he was as she repeatedly lashed him with her whip- actions which constantly earned her disapproving scowls from her ‘little’ brother who sat to her left.
However, things weren’t all negative. After all, Athena was lucky enough to be seated across from the beautiful Klavier Gavin, who made it a point to flash her his winning smile throughout the entire evening as he struck up small talk with her, asking her about her interests and life. Even now, Athena couldn’t believe that Klavier was formerly a world-famous rock star. He just seemed so down-to-earth and kind, contrary to a lot of guys in similar positions who flaunt their wealth and act like the world is their footstool. Heck, Klavier was willing to hold a conversation- or at least attempted to- with Sebastian, who was sitting to his left. Though instead of trying to talk about television shows, Klavier tried to shift the conversation back to their days in the Themis prosecutor’s course.
So then why was it that Apollo always acted like the ex-rock star was his arch-nemesis? Heck, even now, the horn-haired attorney, who was sitting to Klavier’s right, was flashing the man his typical disheartened look. Maybe it was due to the fact that guys just couldn’t truly appreciate Klavier’s sensitive side. After all, Trucy, who was sitting Athena’s left, was more than happy to see the ex-rock star and strike up a conversation with him about magic.
And finally, at the other head of the table was Phoenix, who was less concerned about the company and more concerned about the food on the table, which he stared at with an apprehensive look, only to stop when Edgeworth shot him a glare with the slightest hint of terror.
Though it wasn’t like her boss was at fault. After all, even though Athena’s previous Thanksgiving meals consisted of leftover turkey sandwiches and mashed potatoes from lunch earlier that day, even she knew that the food was not supposed to look like the items spread across the table which were more akin to alien creatures than cuisine, including, but not limited to: mashed potatoes that were light-grey in color and had numerous black and orange specks, bright yellow-green gazpacho that was actively bubbling, not unlike something you’d expect to find in a witch’s cauldron, and a cranberry sauce that the psychology-loving attorney could have sworn was the blob due to its crimson-red coloration, how no spoon, knife, or fork could cut through it, and how the gelatinous mass would constantly try to ooze out of its bowl. If anything, when Sebastian reluctantly tried to scoop up a bit of it and put it on his plate at Franziska’s insistence, the cranberry sauce actually consumed his spoon- something that the silver-haired prosecutor attributed to her ‘perfect’ sauce being so rich.
Though arguably, all of the previously mentioned items were downright delectable when compared to the turkey positioned at the center of the table, making it so that no one could possibly ignore such a grievous abomination. Instead of being a delectable golden brown, the turkey had a sickly greenish-tan appearance to it; and instead of having a smooth texture, the bird’s skin was covered in a scaly skin that had thin hairs cropping out from it and was covered with boils that oozed a strange green puss. And if the appearance was ugly, then the smell was outright hideous. The best way one could describe it was as if the smell of sulphur and feces had a hot, sweaty night of passion, had a child, killed that child by drowning it in the odour of burning rubber and expired Limburger cheese, and then shoved it in a coffin with the smell of old people. But despite all that, the most disturbing thing about the turkey was that if someone somehow mustered up the courage to even so much as touch it with a knife, it would shake slightly and let out a low guttural growl.
So, suffice to say, Athena couldn’t help but speak up regarding the matter.
“Hey, Trucy, about the fo-“
However, before Athena could finish her question, she was immediately shushed by Trucy, Phoenix, Apollo, and Klavier.
“Sorry.” The yellow cladded attorney whispered. “I was just wondering why the food looks so horrible. You’d think that a guy like Mr. Edgeworth would put a bit more pride in what he’s serving.”
“Trust me, Athena, if Uncle Edgeworth didn’t have to serve this junk, he wouldn’t, but his hands are tied,” Trucy replied back in a hushed tone.
“What do you mean?” Athena asked, cocking her head to the side out of confusion as she played with her earing.
“Remember how I told you that Franziska is a bit of a perfectionist?” Phoenix replied in the same low voice.
“A little?” Simon quietly retorted in a wry tone. “What next? Are you going to say that the sun is slightly warm?”
“Ja. Or that Herr Forehead’s forehead is a little large than normal?” Klavier jokingly chimed in with a whisper, earning a stink-eye from his courtroom rival.
“Ok, a lot.” Phoenix corrected himself. “Nevertheless, ever since Edgeworth started having Thanksgiving here back in 2019, Franziska has insisted on handling all of the food preparations. And while she may be a very skilled prosecutor, her cooking is, well…” The spiky-haired attorney gestured to the ‘dishes’.
“In that case, why doesn’t Mr. Edgeworth put his foot down and stop Ms. von Karma? After all, he is her brother, and this is a party that he’s hosting in his home.” Athena tried to reason.
“Athena, I know you’re new here, but I’m pretty sure that you noticed that Ms. von Karma carries around a whip and isn’t afraid to use it when she’s angry,” Apollo whispers, although with his volume, it was more akin to a slightly quieter version of a regular speaking voice. “Plus, Ms. von Karma takes her cooking very personally and will try to ‘convince’ you to give it a second chance if you have any negative comments about it.”
“Ja, like when Herr Forehead voiced that Fräuline Whippet’s mashed potatoes were, and I quote, ‘the worst thing that he ever put in his mouth’ last year, and Fräuline Whippet… Fräuline Whippet… Fraul…” Klavier snickered, punching his leg in an attempt to contain his laughter. “Fräuline Whippet whipped Herr Forehead to the brink to unconsciousness, leapt across the table, pinned him to the ground, and started forcing those mashed potatoes down his throat with a huge spoon while yelling about how ‘only a foolishly foolish fool is incapable of appreciating my perfect food’!”
“Glad to know that you’re able to find humour in the fact that I was forced to eat rancid mashed potatoes that ended up giving me Hepatitis A and tetanus before completely shutting down my immune system and confining me to a bubble for a month,” Apollo grumbled with crossed arms.
“What are you foolish fools foolishly whispering about?!” Franziska snarled, tugging at her whip as she glared daggers at the other end of the table. “Are you insulting my perfect food!? Are we going to have a repeat of last year, Apollo Justice!?”
“N-No, Ms. von Karma, I could never insult your wonderful mashed potatoes after you showed me the light last year.” Apollo nervously replied as he pushed down his horns and started rubbing his head. “Plus, I didn’t start the conversation, Athena did.” The horn-haired attorney gestured over to his coworker, who couldn’t help but shoot him a dirty look before attempting to save herself.
“Sorry about that, Ms. von Karma, I was…” Athena paused with saucer-sized eyes, Widget glowing yellow with shock as she tried to come up with a reasonable excuse. “Asking Trucy about her plans when she goes off to college in a couple of years. So, Truce, what are you majoring in again?”
“Theater!” Trucy chirped, prompting Franziska to burst out laughing.
“And what’s so funny about majoring in the theater?” Trucy snapped, her hands placed firmly on her hips as she flashed the silver-haired prosecutor a death glare.
“Nothing,” Franziska replied, trying her best to stifle her laughter. “It’s just that I find it so fitting that you’re foolishly following in your foolish father’s footsteps by throwing your life away.”
“And just what’s that supposed to mean, Franziska?” Phoenix growled, flashing the prodigy prosecutor the infamous cold stare that he had developed as a poker champ.
“You know exactly what I mean, Phoenix Wright. Being a defense attorney is the biggest waste of a legal education imaginable. I mean, why foolishly waste your time defending people who may be guilty when you can be out finding the true culprit?” Franziska smirked with a waggle of her finger.
“Because you prosecutors tend to arrest the wrong person and leave us defense attorneys to clean up your messes while you do everything in your power to make our lives a living hell.” Phoenix snidely retorted.
“Well, excuse us for doing our jobs, Wright,” Edgeworth stated with crossed arms. “You see, when the police apprehend a suspect, it’s the job of a prosecutor to use all available evidence to ensure that a potentially dangerous criminal isn’t let back loose on the streets. Granted, I will admit that we can be a bit… ruthless at times- some prosecutors more than others…” The maroon-cladded prosecutor cast a quick glance at his adopted sister. “But at least we stick to the facts, instead of badgering witnesses and throwing out baseless conjecture like a bunch of uncultured heathens.”
“Wait, I’m confused. Wasn’t your father a defense attorney, Mr. Edgeworth?” Athena asked, cocking her head to the side as she played with her earing.
“That’s what the von Karmas do to you, Thena-pie,” Ray responded with a serious look on his face. “They break your spirit over an extended period of time with isolation, harsh words, and weapons. That way, they can force you to abandon your values and make you want to wear pink suits.”
“For the umpteenth time, my suit is maroon! MAROON! Would it kill people to treat my attire with the respect it deserves!?” Edgeworth snarled as he slammed his fist into the table.
“I respect your suit, Mr. Edgeworth!” Sebastian chimed in.
“Edgeworth-dono doesn’t want your respect, Deworste. After all, who wants respect from a little git who can’t differentiate live-action from anime or tie his shoes?” Simon wryly replied.
Seeing no better method to properly channel his anger, Edgeworth settled on expressing his rage in the form of a song.
{Edgeworth}
Attorneys,
What’s wrong with your kind these days?
{Simon}
Oi,
I can never understand a word they say.
{Sebastian}
Yeah,
They’re inculpable, inducible tools…
{Franziska}
Yelling, lazing, dirty bluffing fools!
{Sebastian}
They act like they’re so dank!
{Phoenix}
Prosecutors,
We always try to work alongside you.
{Athena}
Yeah,
But you always give us the shoe!
{Ray }
* directs his gaze at Edgeworth*
Why can’t you be like your dad,
Righteous in every way?
Oh right,
He died because of Manfred and Blaise!
{Sebastian}
Hey!
Not bringing up Pops was what we swore!
{Simon }
*Smirks at Phoenix
Yes,
They’re no saints when they settle scores.
{Phoenix}
Prosecutors,
You’re all such a big snooty, nitpicky bunch!
Sassers, whippers, hair-splitters, salary-deniers!
“Like you’re any different?” Apollo snidely retorted with a disheartened look and crossed arms.
{Athena}
Prosecutors,
You don’t appreciate the plights we bear!
(No matter the condition!)
{Franziska}
Ha,
Like what?
Scrounging around for bus fare?
{Apollo}
Mr. Gavin may have been psycho,
And a sociopath,
But Klavier’s jokes are an endless wrath.
{Klavier}
Hey,
What can I say?
Your forehead’s really big.
Plus,
You have a humorously grumpy way.
{Apollo}
Yeah, you and everyone else it seems…
What have I done to deserve this demeaning fate?
I try to keep calm, be kind to all, and be part of a team,
Yet they joke about my lack of dates.
{Klavier}
Ja,
And you also had my bro sent to jail!
{Phoenix}
Yeah,
Only ’cause you guys chose not to check his trail.
“Perhaps we would have been more inclined to help bring Kristoph to justice had you actually included us in your convoluted plan from the get-go.” Edgeworth sternly replied with crossed arms.
{Sebastian}
Why are we stuck with these clowns?
Better to have Debeste!
“I’ll admit that I may not be the most culp- er, capable guy out there. But at least with me, you know where I’m coming from.” Sebastian stated with a confident, yet goofy grin and outstretched arms.
“Yes, and it’s a place brimming with idiocrasy and irritation.” Simon wryly retorted, turning his back to the naïve prosecutor.
{Ray}
Your old man loved you so much,
Yet you put that to the test.
What’s the matter with prosecutors to-
“I tried, Gregory, I really did, but in the end, I failed, Miles.” Ray sighed gloomily, closing his eyes as he removed his trademark fedora and put it to his chest as if in mourning.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Mr. Shields. You didn’t fail me.” Edgeworth stated, putting a calm, yet firm hand to his father’s successor’s shoulder, only for it to be brushed away.
“Don’t try to make me feel better, Miles. If only I had taken you in when your father was murdered instead of the vampire prosecutor who killed him… Sure, as an 18-year-old man, I wouldn’t have been able to give you the lavish lifestyle you received with von Karma, but you would have been raised in a loving environment by someone who wouldn’t try to brainwash you into despising the livelihood of your dearly departed father, who, by the way, thought the world of you. Not to mention, you wouldn’t have been stuck with an adopted sister who won’t give ol’ Uncle Ray hugs and…” Ray gestured to the dishes the Franziska had prepared. “Actively tries to poison us every year with… whatever this stuff is.”
Not one to take insults like that lying down, the silver-haired prosecutor proceeded to lash the fedora-wearing defense attorney with her whip before continuing with the song.
{Franziska}
Why can’t you be like we are,
Not bluffing out of the blue?
{Defense Attorneys}
Why can’t you just accept-
{Prosecutors}
Why can’t you lot just adopt-
{Everyone}
The path that we have chosen to waaalk?!
“So, ready to admit that we’re the best?” Sebastian smirked.
“No way! Our portions were clearly superior!” Athena proudly stated with a huge grin as she flashed a peace sign.
“Oh please, ‘sasser’, ‘whipper’, ‘splitter’…?” Simon mockingly asked with a roll of his eyes. “Those aren’t even real words! Those are things that I would expect to hear spew out of Deworste’s mouth!”
“Why do you people bully me even when I do nothing wrong?!” Sebastian whimpered as he bent his baton.
“Simple. Your reactions are priceless, Herr Weinerlich.” Klavier playfully chimed in, leaning forward with his winning smile. “But don’t take it as an insult. On the contrary, I only act this way around people I like.”
“In that case, I must be your favorite person in the whole wide world.” Apollo wryly retorted with a disheartened look.
“Well, I’m tired of it!” Sebastian snapped, pointing his baton at the former rock star. “I may be a bit slow and gullible, but I try my best and deserve to be treated with respect!”
“As I previously stated, why-” Simon tried to dish out one of his typical comebacks, only to be interrupted by Sebastian lashing him with his baton.
“This is what I mean! You all keep making jokes about me being stupid and unimportant- just like Pops would! So, if you wanna bully me, then perhaps I should bully you!” The naïve prosecutor seethed, trying his best to hold back the tears forming in his eyes as he got out of his seat and picked up a large bowl of gazpacho that Franziska had prepared that was placed near his position, positioning the ladle to his right so he could easily splash the Twisted Samurai. “Want some soup?!”
“De-Dewor- er, I mean Debeste!” Simon corrected himself in a panicked voice, his eyes the size of saucers as he leaned back in his chair in order to put as much distance between himself and the deadly soup as possible. “T-There’s no need to be so drastic. I was only kidding when I said those comments and feel that we can-
“Too late!” Sebastian roared as he splashed Simon’s chest with a ladle full of gazpacho, causing Simon to scream in agony as the effected clothing quickly dissolved, revealing to the world the Twisted Samurai’s bare chest which was starting to develop what looked to be second-degree burns.
“Cor blimey! What the hell’s in that soup!?” Simon screeched through clenched teeth as he pressed his hands against the afflicted area.
“That’s right! Maybe next time, you’ll all think twice before making any more wisecracks at my expense.” Sebastian stated with a malicious grin as he readied his weapon.
“Sebastian Debeste, cease this foolishness this instant!” Franziska snarled as she cracked the air with her whip. “That soup is meant to be enjoyed by everyone here, not used as a tool in your foolishly foolish quest for foolish retribution! Now, since it is Thanksgiving and I am feeling generous, instead of whipping you into submission here and now and risk foolishly wasting perfectly good gazpacho, if you put it down before the count of three and sit back down, you’ll leave this apartment with as much blood in your body as you had when you first arrived. One…”
The silver-haired prosecutor raised a single gloved finger.
“Two…!” A second finger was raised.
“Thr- AHHH!” Franziska screamed in pain as a ladle full of her own soup was splashed in her eyes. “My eyes! My perfect eyes!”
“No soup for you!” Sebastian smirked before cocking his head to the side in contemplation. “Or maybe no soup for anyone else since you got a face full of it. Or maybe no soup for your mouth…? No soup for eating…? No, a dank anime reference like that doesn’t really need to make sense. What do you think, Ms. von Karma?”
“I think I’m blind!” Franziska shrieked as she pressed her hands against her eyes, which, oddly enough, appeared to have black smoke seeping out of them.
“See? This is why I wanna major in the theatre!” Trucy snapped, gesturing at the wounded prosecutors. “Sure, it might not be as glamorous as being an attorney or a prosecutor, but this kind of thing never happens when I’m on stage!”
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