76 The Plumed Punisher

 “The Plumed Punisher” Theme Song
Sung to the tune of the Plum Punisher theme from
the AA Spirit of Justice game

It was no secret that Inga hated his marriage. Ga’ran had always been a bossy, manipulative woman who siphoned away happiness from anyone unfortunate enough to associate with her like some kind of demented leach. That’s why the Minister of Justice couldn’t stand the thought of being in the same room as her, let alone having her come in his private chambers.

However, despite Inga hating the idea of essentially letting the Bogeyman enter his bedroom, it was a necessary evil to ensure the future of “The Plumed Punisher“.

[“Inga, please explain to me why you were so insistent that I come to this pigsty that you call your private quarters.”  Ga’ran impatiently commanded as she tapped her long fingernails against Inga’s wooden desk, staring down at the Minister of Justice with a look of mild contempt in her eyes as he tried to pull up a file on his laptop.]

[“Like I said earlier, I need to get your approval for something involving ‘The Plumed Punisher’. Now if only the damn video would load so I could get this over with.”  Inga growled, slamming his fist on his keyboard as he glared at the spinning loading circle.]

[“Admit it, Inga. You’re just using this as an excuse for us to have a little… alone time.”  Ga’ran seductively purred into the Minister’s ear as she ran her fingers through his hair.]

[“Get off of me, spider hag!”  Inga snapped as he swatted his wife away. “Why after 27 years of trying to avoid you like the plague and crying myself to sleep after our nights of torture would I want to do anything like that with you?”]

[“Well, I was just thinking that perhaps you’ve been feeling like less of a man since yesterday, what with how that foreign attorney not only got another acquittal, but also hurt your reputation by revealing your horrible Lady Kee’ra scheme to the public.”  Ga’ran said in the kind of demeaning tone that a mother uses to comfort her child.]

[“One, that lawyer just got lucky again. Two, I already covered my tracks regarding Operation Avian Princess- which, for your information, was a brilliant plan. See, I ran an ‘investigation’ that revealed Neh’mu to be a loose cannon cop who didn’t play by the rules, thereby effectively distancing him from the rest of the secret police. And three, how could that lawyer guy make me feel like less of a man when you’ve been fulfilling that role just fine on your own for what feels like eternity?”]

[“True, but if that’s the case, then once again, why am I here? Ever since we established the show’s premise, I haven’t felt the need to change anything about it. In fact, I’m a bit proud of that little show since it’s one of the few things you’ve done over the course of our marriage that hasn’t filled me with disappointment, which is more than I can say about your work in the bedroom.”  Ga’ran sneered.]

[“Since this damn video isn’t loading, I might as well tell you now. After that lawyer revealed how… similar the ‘The Plumed Punisher’ theme song and the one for that American show, ‘Iron Ninja’, or whatever it’s called, are, I’ve decided to modify ours in case news of this reaches the States and they come after us with their Hollywood lawyers. Sure, we’ve got your nephew, but even he’s no match for those sleazy ambulance chasers. Hell, a couple of weeks ago, Nahyuta lost a case in the States to some loud, horn-haired child. That’s why I’m not taking any chances and- Thank the Holy Mother, it’s finally up!” Inga cheered as the video for his new and improved ‘Plumed Punisher’ theme song started.]

 When Dhurke’s attacking,

She’ll always help.

Plumed Punisher!

With her strength,

She makes the rebels yelp.

Plumed Punisher!

 When Dhurke’s evil threatens the land,

The Holy Mother guides her hand,

Because she’s the hero that Khura’in needs.

 Plumed Punisher, strike!

 With Lady Kee’ra’s strength,

She can’t lose.

Plumed Punisher!

She’ll never let us fall to Dhurke’s views.

Plumed Punisher!

 Minister Inga’s her best friend,

Helps him fight crime until the very end,

Loves him for his bright mind and rock-hard abs.

 Plumed Punisher, strike!

 She! Jumps! And! Kicks! Butt!

Plumed Punisher!

 [“So, what do you think? Pretty good, eh?”  Inga smirked, chomping down on his cigar stamp as he tilted his head towards Ga’ran, who looked like she couldn’t be any more displeased.]

[“Inga, that was the most pathetic thing I have ever had the displeasure of seeing, and I’ve seen you in the bedroom.”  Ga’ran growled.]

[“What do you know about taste, you overgrown spider? Have you ever looked in the mirror? ” Inga scoffed.]

[“While I may not be an expert when it comes to the superhero genre, I know when you’re lying like a defense attorney about your appearance. You having rock-hard abs…?” Ga’ran tittered as she covered her mouth. “Your abs make the Pillsbury Doughboy’s look like a boulder by comparison!”]

[“C’mon, if you aren’t gonna let me have any happiness in our marriage, then at least let me have some kind of joy when making my show!”  Inga snarled.]

[“Look, Inga, I’ve been tolerant of your work with ‘The Plumed Punisher’ so far, but that new theme song is where I draw the line. I forbid you from changing the current one to that self-pandering cacophony!”  Ga’ran proclaimed.]

[“In that case, I’m taking that Ga’ran Kids bit you filmed outta that episode we’re airing in two weeks.”  Inga retorted.]

[“Don’t be ridiculous, Inga!”  The Queen snapped. “The Ga’ran Kids PSA is not only informative, but a work of art.”]

[“Work of art, my ass! It’s just a bunch of creepy kids singing some creepy song that you wrote! It’s disturbing, see!”  The Minister of Justice roared.]

[“Well, if you take my song out of the episode, then I’ll have you executed for treason.”]

[“Ha! You think I’m scared of death?”  Inga sneered. “It would beat me having to look at your ugly face every day. I swear, sometimes I wish I was married to Medusa- at least she’d know how to make a man hard.”]

[“Is that a request, Inga…?”  Ga’ran purred, a sultry grin spreading across her face as she put her hand on her husband’s shoulder.]

Knowing what kinds of horrors were about to unfold after years of marriage, Inga wasted no time in jumping out of his seat and making a beeline dash for the room’s exit. However, right when the Minister of Justice put his hand on the doorknob, Ga’ran tackled him to the ground before dragging him back to his bed as he screamed like a little girl.