106 Where There’s Her Whip, There Is Pain
“Where There’s Her Whip, There is Pain”
Sung to the tune of
“Where There’s a Whip, There’s a Way”
from “The Return of the King”
It was around noon at the Prosecutor’s Office, a time when most prosecutors would leave their offices to enjoy a well-deserved lunch break, with the surprisingly plain-looking breakroom being a hotspot of activity.
At one small wooden table, Sebastian was eating a crustless turkey sandwich that Justine had made for him while talking with Kay, who stopped by to visit him and chat, telling him about her plans to become a detective in addition to being a great thief after she graduated from school, stating how she’d follow in the footsteps of her Uncle Badd by helping people while being free to cover up her Yatagarasu work.
At a table in a dimly-lit corner on the far side of the breakroom, Klavier, despite having quickly become one of the most popular prosecutors in the greater Los Angeles area for not only exposing Phoenix Wright for the fraud that he was last month but also for his music career, was sitting alone, a look of sorrow in his eyes as he ate a forkful of the surprisingly large casserole that was his lunch, the Tupperware in which it was being kept in covered with heart-shaped sticky notes that had messages written on them such as ‘The best casserole for the best prosecutor and one of the best sons!’ and ‘Touch my baby’s casserole and I will end you!’
And in the corner next to the coffee machine, Winston was trying to look important by leaning against the counter while sipping on a cup of jo and watching the others go about their business with a smug grin, an act that prompted Godot- who, thanks to Edgeworth taking mercy on him because of his troubled past, wasn’t punished with jail time for his crimes, but rather was forced to work as a prosecutor under parole with a reduced salary- to simply shake his head as he downed a mug of coffee like it was water.
But while his coworkers were enjoying their lunch breaks, Edgeworth was in his office making productive use of his time, eating a cucumber sandwich that he had delivered to him from one of his favorite teahouses while searching the internet on his laptop for information on Kristoph Gavin, a renowned defense attorney and a ‘friend’ that Phoenix gained right after losing his badge. Sure, Phoenix had sternly told him to stay out of his business and that this was his battle to fight, but Edgeworth wasn’t going to sit idly by and allow this injustice against his childhood friend to go unnoticed. After all, anyone with half a brain could tell that there was something rotten in the state of California when it came to Phoenix’s disbarment- how Klavier was so prepared to prove that Phoenix had used forged evidence, how the BAR Association was so quick to go with disbarment for a man with a pristine record, and how Phoenix had presented forged evidence in the first place. If the idealist attorney was conflicted about acquitting a guilty man when his beloved assistant’s life was literally on the line, why would he start going down the dark path of courtroom corruption on some random case?
So what better way to start digging for clues on the matter than by looking into Kristoph Gavin, the man who not only decided to start being chummy with Phoenix the second he lost his badge but was also part of the committee that voted on the punishment of disbarment? Sure, the ‘Coolest Defense in the West’, as newspaper articles referred to him as, voted in favor of Phoenix keeping his badge, but that could have all been a way to cover up some underhanded involvement on his part. As part of the BAR Association, he could have very well have been motivated to strike down Phoenix as a way to hurt Edgeworth by proxy as revenge for getting Blaise Debeste arrested the previous month. After all, while investigating the prison during the murder of Horace Knightley, Justine made a threat about how the P.I.C. had strong ties to the BAR Association; so it wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that a snake-like Blaise would have some corrupt cronies there who didn’t take too kindly to his arrest. Not to mention, with Klavier being Kristoph’s brother, there was a good chance that he’d be willing to help his sibling with a plan that would also serve to bolster his own reputation.
However, despite being a skilled attorney with an impressive record and the older brother of a rock star prosecutor who had more squealing fangirls than there were stars in the sky, the only things Edgeworth could find on the Coolest Defense in the West were some newspaper articles detailing his trials, several of which featured pictures of his mother being dragged out of the courtroom kicking and screaming by bailiffs after the defendant was declared guilty, and a number of surprisingly detailed analyses of Shirley Temple films on the Shirley Temple Fan Club website, of which Kristoph was the founder and president. Though before the maroon-clad prosecutor could continue his research, he was interrupted by Gumshoe bursting into his office.
“Mr. Edgeworth, you’ve gotta help me!” The scruffy detective desperately pleaded with a look of terror on his face. “She’s out to get me!”
“Gumshoe…” Edgeworth sighed, closing his laptop so that he could give the underpaid detective his full attention. “For the last time, even though Trucy can be quite intimidating despite her appearance, she’s not going to, in her words, ‘rain magical fire of doom’ upon you for being unable to pay for those Thick Mints that her Rainbow Squirt troupe was selling. That’s most likely a bluffing technique that she learned from her new father, who has spent the last few days calling me to guilt me into buying her cookies instead of giving me information to help me clear his name.” The maroon-clad prosecutor said with a slight hint of frustration in his voice before taking a deep breath to calm himself down.
“I’m not worried about Trucy anymore, sir. I solved that problem by making a deal with her where I’ll assist her in her magic shows down at the Wonder Bar until my debt’s been repaid.”
“Then who are you referring to?”
“Ms. von Karma, sir!” Gumshoe exclaimed, slamming his meaty palms on his superior’s desk. “She’s gone crazy ever since Wright was disbarred- even more than normal! You know what she did to me earlier today?”
“Whip you to within an inch of your life and cut your salary like she’s been doing for the past two years?” Edgeworth asked with crossed arms.
“Yeah, but this time, she cut my salary because I was ‘disruptively breathing’ at the crime scene we were investigating!”
“What?” Edgeworth asked with a confused look on his face.
“That’s right, sir! Ms. von Karma was checking out the contents of a file cabinet while I was dusting for fingerprints nearby on the handle of the drawer that the murder weapon was found in, when all of a sudden, she starts whipping me out of nowhere and ranting and raving about how she can’t concentrate with a foolish fool like me breathing so loudly like a foolhardy fool!” Gumshoe snapped. “Now I’m used to getting my pay cut by you, Ms. von Karma, and nearly every other prosecutor I’ve worked under, but I can usually move past it because I did something to deserve it, like when I let Wright take Maya’s cellphone when we arrested her for her sister’s murder, or when I used that discount cleaner on your office windows that corroded the glass because there was none of the primo stuff left in the janitor’s closet. But this…! This is crossing the line, sir! With how much my pay’s been cut, breathing’s one of the few good things I have left in my life! So please, help me, Mr. Edgeworth! Do something to help me calm down Ms. von Karma before she takes what little I have away from me!”
“I fully agree that Franziska has no grounds to cut your salary for that reason, and as such, I’ll work to undo it. But unfortunately, that’s all I can do.” Edgeworth calmly stated as he pointed at his subordinate.
“But you’re Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth! You can do ANYTHING!” Gumshoe proclaimed, his hands held high and his gaze pointed upwards like a pastor spreading their message.
“Gumshoe…” Edgeworth sighed in exasperation as he put a palm to his forehead and slightly leaned forward. “I may be unmatched when it comes to logic and can make your life better or worse on a whim, but that doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day, I’m merely a man of flesh and bone. To ask me to confront Franziska about her temper is like requesting someone to push the sun away because it’s too bright. The person can try, but the only thing they would accomplish is experiencing a quick and painful death.”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Edgeworth. I’m not asking for something that direct. I’ve got a great idea, but I’m gonna need your help to pull it off., Gumshoe stated with a goofy grin.
“As much as I dread the answer to this question, what is your plan?” Edgeworth asked with a look of concern. “Though before you answer, if it’s illegal and/or morally questionable, don’t bother telling me. I’m still dealing with that incident from last week where Kay tried to use subliminal messaging to get Sebastian to buy her a pony.”
“Well, for one thing, this plan doesn’t involve the local petting zoo, so even if it fails, it won’t end as badly as that one.” Gumshoe chuckled. “But without further ado, here’s my idea, sir: since you’re so close to Wright and Ms. von Karma, I was thinking that you could set them up on a date at a nice restaurant. Then, when they become a couple, he’ll help to mellow her out.”
“WHAT!?” Edgeworth exclaimed, his eyes becoming saucer-sized as he reeled back in his seat.
“Now, Mr. Edgeworth, I know it’s a bit of a stretch, but-” Gumshoe tried to reason, only to be immediately cut off by his superior.
“‘A bit of a stretch…?'” Edgeworth hissed. “The Seabiscuit debacle that Kay and Sebastian unleashed upon the Prosecutor’s Office’s lobby and parking garage last week was ‘a bit of a stretch’! But this, on the other hand, is complete and utter madness! What on earth would compel you to come up with such a cockamamie scheme?”
“Don’t pretend that you don’t know, sir…” Gumshoe chuckled.
“Know what?” Edgeworth asked with a confused look. “That your mind is officially as expired as the food you eat?”
“The obvious crush that Ms. von Karma has on Wright, of course! I mean, whenever those two are together, you can just cut the sexual tension with a knife.”
“I’m sorry, Gumshoe; I guess I’ve been having a hard time picking up on it over the sound of Wright screaming in pain as Franziska whips him while yelling about how he ruined her life.” Edgeworth wryly stated with outstretched arms.
“Mr. Edgeworth, Mr. Edgeworth, Mr. Edgeworth…” Gumshoe smirked with a shake of his head. “Ms. von Karma may act like she hates Wright, but between how she traveled all the way here from Europe this last February just for the chance to go up against him in court, assisted him with his investigation despite still being the case’s prosecutor, and how shaken up she’s been over his disbarment, it’s obvious that she uses that as a cover to hide her real feelings. Why, if those two were in elementary school, she’d be tripping him down a stairway and then trying to get him expelled for picking a fight with her on the grounds that he kicked her leg before tumbling down the stairs.”
“The question regarding what kind of depraved elementary school you attended aside, even if on the off-chance Franziska has feelings for Wright, I doubt that he’d feel the same way about a woman who literally whipped him into submission.” The maroon-clad prosecutor calmly stated with crossed arms.
“Even if he doesn’t, we have to do something, sir! Because you see…” Gumshoe pleaded before starting to sing.
{Gumshoe}
Where there’s her whip,
There is pain.
Where there’s her whip,
There is pain.
Where there’s her whip…
Gumshoe couldn’t help but briefly pause to whimper and wince upon being reminded of the pain that he had to suffer because of that whip.
{Gumshoe}
I don’t wanna investigate today,
‘Cause the Lady of the Lash will try to slash my pay!
It doesn’t matter that I toil all day,
‘Cause where there’s her whip,
There is pain!
Where there’s her whip,
There is pain!
Where there’s her whip,
There is pain!
Where there’s her whip,
There is pain!
Foolish Fool!
Foolish Fool!
Fool!
That phrase makes all my hopes wane!
Fool!
Fool!
A crack of that whip means my pay’s been cut,
She feels like she can treat me like some mutt,
All ’cause she’s hurt that Wright hasn’t asked her out!
Not fair!
Not fair!
Not fair!
Where there’s her whip,
There is pain.
Where there’s her whip,
There is pain.
Where there’s her whip…
Instead of whimpering, Gumshoe paused to growl and stomp his foot, the anger that he had towards the whip-happy prosecutor that had motivated him to perform this song for Edgeworth coming to the surface.
{Gumshoe}
I don’t wanna investigate today,
‘Cause the Lady of the Lash will surely cut my pay!
It doesn’t matter that I bust my butt all day,
‘Cause where there’s her whip,
There is pain!
Not fair!
Not fair!
Not fair!
That blasted whip…!
I don’t wanna investigate today,
‘Cause the Lady of the Lash will take my joy away!
That’s why I cry after work every day!
‘Cause where there’s her whip,
There is pain!
“So Mr. Edgeworth, will you do it? Will you help me out with my plan to calm Ms. von Karma down and ease my pain?” Gumshoe pleaded, his hands tightly clasped together as he flashed his superior a pair of sad puppy dog eyes in an attempt to win him over.
“I have to say, Gumshoe, your song was surprisingly well-thought-out and brimming with the kind of underdog enthusiasm that I couldn’t turn a blind eye to even if I wanted to,” Edgeworth stated with outstretched arms.
“Really, sir?” Gumshoe beamed.
“But that’s just me. What do you think, Franziska?” Edgeworth smirked, prompting the scruffy detective’s face to lose all color.
“M-M-M-Ms. von Karma…!” Gumshoe sputtered, his eyes becoming saucer-sized as he slowly turned around, only for his worst fears to come to fruition as he saw Franziska leaning against the office’s doorframe and flashing him a scowl that could kill, prompting his gaze to frantically dart between the two prosecutors. “How long has she been standing there, sir?”
“About three words into your song.” The maroon-clad prosecutor stated matter-of-factly.
“Well, why didn’t you warn me that she was there?!” Gumshoe snapped as a mixed look of terror and anger filled his voice and eyes.
“Who am I to interrupt a man’s elegy, Gumshoe?” Edgeworth wryly asked as he got up from his chair and walked over to his couch, knowing full well that there was a good chance that the soon-to-be-former bumbling detective would be flung over the desk and through the window shortly before becoming a stain on the sidewalk 12 floors below… if he was lucky.
“S-Sir, please…! Please have mercy!” Gumshoe begged, pressing his back against Edgeworth’s desk as Franziska slowly walked into the office, closed the door behind her, and blocked it off using her ‘little’ brother’s custom chess table- all without saying a single word. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean what I said! Honest! I-I-I was just in a really bad place because I haven’t eaten anything all day and my blood pressure’s been really low! Plus, it’s a real scorcher out there today, and you know what heat does to tempers- especially when-”
“Silence, Scruffy!” Franziska barked as she cracked the air with her whip before brandishing her trusty weapon. However, instead of going on a tirade or lashing the detective to the brink of death, the silver-haired prosecutor flashed him a smile as she returned her whip to its holster. “I’m not angry with you.” Franziska calmly stated.
“Y-You’re not?” Gumshoe asked as a confused look formed on his face.
“Of course not, Scruffy. Why would I be upset at you for simply stating a fact?” Franziska asked in an overly sweet tone that had some ominous undertones as she sauntered towards the underpaid man. “After all, where there’s my whip there is pain!” The silver-haired prosecutor snarled as she lashed Gumshoe with her whip.
“B-But didn’t you just say that you weren’t angry?” Gumshoe whimpered, his body hunched over in an attempt to make himself a smaller target.
“I’m not, Scruffy, but I would hate to ruin your foolish expectations by not taking away your joy and then slashing your pay with each lash. So that is what I intend to do!” Franziska snarled as she lashed the detective again with her whip.
“M-Mr. Edgeworth, help me! PLEASE!” Gumshoe wailed as he flashed a look of terror at his beloved superior who was sitting back on his couch.
“Already ahead of you, Gumshoe. By me sitting here and allowing Franziska to do what she wants with you, she’ll calm down in record time, thereby accomplishing the very goal that brought you here. Though all I ask in return is that you clean up any bloodstains that Franziska leaves behind.” Edgeworth smirked.
“But, Mr. Edge- Aaaaah!” Gumshoe tried to beg, only to be cut off by Franziska unleashing a flurry of lashes from her whip on him, causing him to fall to the ground as she angrily kept singing the phrase ‘where there’s my whip, there is pain’.
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